


A Thief's Tale: The Road to Redemption

by Ringtail



Category: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Explicit Language, Mild Gore, Multi, Psychological, Recovery, Romance, Sex, Tragedy/Comedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:21:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 30,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25981264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ringtail/pseuds/Ringtail
Summary: Life is seldom fair, though Kaid Gadai could hardly care less about whether Pauper Paul got the same meal as Wealthy Walter. He's got his own problems. Work is hard to find when you've been homeless for nearly half your life, and even then crime tends to pay just a little bit better.Jaded, world-weary, and as sarcastic as any of his kinsmen, Kaid struggles to build the foundations of a better life, each day bringing him closer and closer to leaving thieving behind. However, a daylight run, a crooked cop, a nasty plot, and plain old bad luck change up Kaid's life, resulting in a jarring change of scenery.Can a paranoid, bitter young man learn how to redeem himself in a near utopian society, or will he crumble in the face of a lifestyle he was unprepared for? It all depends on adaptation and not cursing up a storm while doing it.
Relationships: MC/Decent Romantic Choices, MC/Poor Romantic Choices





	1. Smiling Faces Sometimes

I raced through the house. Daylight runs? _Dumb_. The client? _Spastic._ Me? Desperate for the money and it would cover groceries for the foreseeable future and the money I was going to spend on the celebration later, but I was mostly just trying to _survive_ until I could have myself a drink, a nap, and maybe pick up that good ol' tree book again. Yes, I like random information, but no, now's not the time for it. There's always a time to be quiet when walking through someone else's house, but in the early morning when old people tend to get up? Especially when you're stealing from them?

Not the best of times.

I could hear an old man shouting at me from behind, but he was nowhere near as fast as most of my people. Hell, I myself could beat just about anyone in a straight race that I knew of, and if we were doing sprints around street corners to get out of trouble? Well, I'd meet them later. As it was, I dashed toward the open window I'd noticed earlier and sadly had to dive out of it. Life had taken me many places in England, but more importantly it had taught me how to launch, tuck, and fuckin' _roll_. I just didn't do it when I got out of that damn window because, for one, I caught my foot on the sill and two, I was having a very unlucky kind of day.

“ _Fuck!”_ I exhaled, the hard cobblestone of Garland Street being my bed for a second or two. I'd been hit harder than falling out of a window, so I didn't even wait to get my breath back before taking off. I had better things to do than get fuzzed or rolled.

“Oi!” An elderly man with a heavy splash of Welsh in his voice called out, glaring at the street below, and thus forth me as well. “Get that little rat! Little fucker stole me wife’s pendant! _Get the fucker!_ ”

I thought it wise not to answer, but in my defense, they really should have locked the second story window if they didn’t want me coming into their house, but that’s not terribly important. No, you shouldn't worry about how I got up there. They call me 'Klepto Gecko' for a reason, after all, so take that for what it's worth. In any case, I scrambled to my feet and made a mad dash to get myself out of the danger zone and into my usual safehouse since it was usually a twenty-minute trip by foot at a strut, but never before had I missed the old flash ken back on Highland Avenue than I did right there. Multiple ways to get in, plenty of ways to get out, and it was _in town._ I cut my trip down to safety with less than half the usual time by not giving two shits about the people I shoved out of my way whenever I needed them to move. I’d lie and say I didn't dive for wallets on occasion as I did it, but that’s just not true and I generally try to keep the lies to reasonable levels.

I kept up my light sprint until I hit my safehouse; an old, abandoned Catholic church. I found it hilarious that a sinner like me had found a home in a corrupted house of God, but then again I spent too long praying for peace in my life for me to say I'm even agnostic these days. I'd thrown a rouser once or twice there when it was in better shape, but most of my 'friends' had tried to rob me for what little crap I had. That might say something about the company I keep, but it’s not like I’ve ever been a terribly kind person myself anyway. More the type to lend a hand if I needed something from someone, but I still help the elderly and kids free of charge. Reminds me that I still have to find some sleeves for the Pokemon cards Tyke Ryan gave me for stealing his Switch back from the pawn shop. Great kid, bad Mum. Knew the feeling better than I would've liked.

God, I get sidetracked easily. As I was saying, I stowed my bounties in my usual hidey hole and took a few minutes to sit and relax since the bullshit job had gone exactly as I expected it to. Neither my late brother, Max, or any of my old crew, the Stealy Wheelies, could have ever even hoped to get as far as I did with as few permanent injuries as I managed to get away with. Sometimes being the best is hard. No one in their right fucking mind asks for a Sun-Run, but that’s what my lard-arsed client wanted. I thought it’d be worth the two hundred quid bonus, though something about it just rubbed me the wrong way. There's always a way to cock up a good thing, and I really don't have too many good things to spare. Well, I didn't, but I had the money to live like a Street King for a few months. However, I wanted more from life than stealing and still do.

Without much else to do, I checked my shitty little burner and saw that sunset probably wasn’t too far away. I was supposed to take the pendant my client wanted to him at midnight upon request, so I figured that I’d go for a walk and see what all I could see. Oscar the Rozzer wasn't the best client for getting paid, but the tubby fuck had plenty of dirty money that I was happy to take off his hands. Thief-Client privileges did _not_ apply to him, especially since there were plenty of people willing to let me do whatever I wanted to with him, but _Rozzer._ I wasn't going to press my luck like I had multiple times with Slick Sagiano, biut that's another tale. After I got back into town and hit the south side, I was pretty sure that the Grisham Boys never actually ever got more than twenty feet away from the Rubber Dutchman during my usual active hours. Granny Sammy, A.K.A Sketchy Sam was probably inside, guffing down rotgut and weaving another string of information into her network of contacts.

I considered calling Micheal, my old watchdog, to go and grab a few drinks, but I really just wanted a few shots of rum to honor my brother and a few glasses of bourbon to make me miss him a little less. The anniversay was earlier in the week and I'd missed it because I'd had to stay somewhat sober for a job, but I may or may not have had a toke with Walter at his place. For a guy who hated American Blacks for giving him and his family a bad rap, he sure did act like one. Hell, he praised 21 Savage like he was the fuckin' _Queen_ or something. I've never had a problem with the guy after he got jumped, but before that? Stingy pusher with a penchant for fucking you over. Guess getting rolled really helps with the humbleness.

God, I really don't know how to write a journal... Keep getting sidetracked.

Anyway, I sighed and got my ass into gear before I could start reminiscing too much, but when I got into Southside proper, I decided to just head over to my usual liquor shop instead of taking my uneasy victory to the pub. Rum tends to be more expensive than bourbon in Wiltshire, so I only bought a couple of double shot bottles of the stuff while I got a fifth of some cheap, effective bourbon. The taste wasn’t the best, but the burn was rough and I tend to like my shit strong enough to add more hair to your chest. Long Donnie, the gangly clerk, promised to take the extra couple shots of rum I’d bought to Maxwell’s grave since I didn’t know where it was. The only reason Donnie knew was because he used to be with Max's old crew and I should’ve known since he was my Cov-Bruv... I still should, but I never could bring myself to say goodbye to the only real family I have _mostly_ good memories of...

Not much of a chance now, and that's my own fault. At least I know I'm not a psychopath with the responsibilities I always feel like I'm shouldering.

I thought of how I'd met Max and chuckled to myself while sipping on the bottle in the bag, remembering the times we used to drink after a job (Quickdraw, How Ya Feel?, and Eraser, mostly), the times we fought and got over it, and even some of the tarts we tag-teamed. Yeah, I was a little slutty and still am, but I've kept it kosher the past few months and haven't even really tried to go after anyone lately. It just never felt the same after he was gone nad wasn't by my side. The time he'd been shot down four times in a row when we went bar-hopping in Bristol (Strollers call it Gollum) popped into my head and I had to take a second during my walk to wipe away a happy tear. He'd blown _four_ sure-fires I'd set up for him and I ended up taking two of them back to their place. It was a decent enough night, but when I got home he was a sour, crunchy cunt for _days._ As _Charmy_ as he'd been, the guy was never much of a lady's man, but that was probably because he wasn't as good as lying or pretending as I've always had to be. Not things to be proud of and I recognize it... There just isn't much 'Honesty is the best policy!' in Wiltshire. Still, I kept it straight with my clients and with the people who would appreciate it for what it was worth. I just couldn't wait to move out and actually have a real chance to be a decent guy.

My day was some kind of fucked as I meandered around the alleys, ducking into the odd alcove or just leaning against a wall for a little bit to help me feel a little better. Sipping from the bottle helped. It’s only been a couple of years since I lost my brother, but it’s almost been a decade since my parents died and I still can’t bring myself to mourn my Dad. I miss him, yeah, though I feel like the doormat got a raw deal in the first place. Dad was a good man, but Babs... ? I still kept my father’s wedding band and wore it on a leather cord around my neck since my old man had some mastodonian hands, and I still have the black ribbon my egg-donor gave me before she croaked. The ribbon was more of a tool for her than an accessory, but when you’re a junkie, I guess anything that does the trick does just that... God, I'm _glad_ she's gone, but that's probably not the right thing to say...Never did want to go down her path, but I came damn close to it back when I was younger. Younger, dumber, and eager to get a whiff of candy. Those days are long gone, but bad memories always do linger a little longer than the good ones.

I tied my hair back with the ribbon and tried to remember something happy about those years, the Wacky Warehouse thing being the main one when 'Mum' was too fucked up to even go. Dad and I got to do whatever we wanted for _hours_ until we got called back home. He got a beating and took mine too... All because he wanted me to have a good birthday. Yeah, I had respect for the man, but when you're married to someone abusive and can't move on...? Death is a mercy, I'd say, even if I hate admitting it. I had to get out of my head after I said a little prayer to Dad for good luck and safety in the coming days, so I got out of the alleys since the moon was getting high with Midnight rapidly approaching the icy winter dusk. The hours after the moon's peak are when you tend to get rolled. I might not be the biggest fellow out there seeing as how I barely managed to get to a hundred and seventy-seven centimeters, which I think would be around five-eight or five-seven in Imperial measurements. It’s not like I don’t know them, it’s just that the metric system is the best system, Goddammit! It doesn’t help that I barely weigh sixty kilos on a day where I’ve been choking down whatever I could get my hands on at one of the buffets in town. Hell, last time I went to the Doc's office, the bastard had the nerve to try and get me a dietician. I eat fine when I have the money for it, I just have a high metabolism... And I like drinking on an empty stomach. I'm not an alcoholic; I'm a functioning drunk.

I had to cut through a few more alleys to get to the west side of town again and once I got to my safehouse, I cracked open my special bottle of bourbon and got my slosh on for a few hours until my client was due message me. The burner that I made all of my clients go through usually just needed a boosted SIM with registration, so paying cash kept everything clean. My flip phone might have been basic as fuck but it got the job done, and smartphones generally aren’t worth the extra money anyway unless you’re using one to get slaws on Snapchat, Instagram, or whatever other piece of social media that the average person spend their time on. Speaking of time, when the day rolled over and four a.m. passed by, I called it a night. I was a little pissed that bacon-brain Oscar hadn't called, but then again I was a little grateful to retire to the dilapidated office that had still kept some of its insulation over the years. I had a hammock set up, a few solar powered lanterns that I charged in the mornings, and more solar batteries that you could shake a stick at. Everthing was charged, so I hooked up my MP4 to my speaker and let _Lianne La Havas_ help me dream of _Green and Gold._ With the night ready to be ended, I tossed another blanket into my hammock since it was pretty cold and it’s not like I had anywhere else to go or anything. After rolling and getting comfortable, I actually managedf ot let the alcohol take me under and got some decent rest, but the nightmares were still there and I woke up once or twice before falling back asleep. It took some time to get used to them, but I'd gotten into the habit of 'breaking' dreams and could even get lucid every now and again.

… I don’t know what the Hell I’m doing. I guess this is where I should just add a page break or something and pick up with the bullshit yesterday held… Then again, I should probably write about who I actually am, just in case I lose my mind or some shit. Not that it isn't entirely possible that I haven't. To make it plain, the name’s Gadai. _Kaid_ Gadai. Stirred, not shaken, just for the record. Honestly I like the seperation and the individual flavours, but now I'm going too far. I’ve always been on the slim side, despite me trying to put on some weight so I don’t get fucked with nearly as often, so future me, don't worry about being buff or anything. Shit’s just not meant to be, but I can try, right? Let’s see… Well, if you haven't guessed by now, amnesiac Kaid, then let me write down that we steal stuff. It’s my/our job. I file taxes on the shit I steal. No kidding.

Okay, I _was_ kidding. I was (Or we are? Whatever.) actually so far down on the totem pole that I’m practically invisible. If I was stone-cold or a admin-type instead of a plucker, I’d be a force to be reckoned with, but I’m not really all that into hurting people for money. I also can't really sleep after I fuck someone over, especially if I know that they didn't do anything to deserve it other than fall for a con. Vindication? Cool. Personal affront? Go for it. Someone’s paying to have Johnny Anyman's legs because he didn’t pay back a debt? Nah, I’m all kinds of good on that. Gotta go fuck someone up for playing it by the book? For _following the law?_ Nope, no can do. I might be a guttersnipe, but I’m a guttersnipe with _morals._ No killing, no rolling (These days), no thuggery in general. Yeah, I'm not a good person, but I'm not a _violent_ person unless I have to be, and these days? I don't really have to be. I wasn't content with my place as a thief, but with the thousands of pounds I had saved up in my bank I was well on my way to getting back into school so I could _stop_ being complacent with being homeless, jobless, and most days when I wasn't willing to spend, friendless.To be honest, I didn’t care where I laid my head, but I wanted a real job with a steady wage and I’d like to have a few buddies to hang out with that wouldn’t try to pass me powder or roll me, both of which are commonplace in my little slice of Heaven. No, I preferred to keep to myself most days unless I was on the hunt for a bite to eat or something to do, but...

Yup, that reads pretty well to me. I mean, I think it’d jumpstart my memory, if nothing else so far would have. Hopefully the normal parts of this don’t remind me too much of the crazy bullshit going on when I go back over it.

**☾✯☾۞☽✯☽**

I woke up the next morning and grabbed a change of clothes before heading to the shelter so I could catch a quick shower, though Doris, one of the women who stay and work at the shelter for a living to keep off the streets, tried to get me to stick around again. I know that the woman has the best intentions at heart, but Doris only blew into town two, maybe two and a half years ago. Back when my egg-donor died seven years ago, I came to the shelter first because I didn’t have anywhere else to go. I almost got raped twice in one day by two different adults who knew they’d get away with it, but when your own home environment is pretty hostile, you tend to get good at giving people the slip. Nuts where whacked and bollocks were attacked, and I eventually stopped running when I found the church with a broken window. It never hurt that I’ve always been light on my feet, but paranoia itself has kept me alive so far. Those two things got me out of the shelter in the middle of the afternoon, and when the second creep came after me, it got me out at three in the morning. Ever since then I’ve refused to go back for more than necessary hygiene or a bite to eat at night. Call it bad luck or my shitty town. I say it's because I'm boyishly cute with a touch of roguish charm, but when I was twelve? Mostly just an easy, skinny target.

Once I was good to get my day started, I left the shelter and hoped that a client would come by and have a word since I was wearing a green shirt, which meant that I was looking for work. It’s something that a lot of thieves do, wearing solid green shirts, that is. My favourite jacket wasn’t green, but it was too cold to go without it so I had to hope that the thirty quid in my wallet would last until I could get a decent mark. I mean, I had a few thousand pounds and some change at the church, though I generally try to save what I get from picking pockets for emergencies. That, and what I got from jobs went into the bank when I could manage to slip in a small enough amount to avoid arousing suspicion.

I got lost in thought for a little while as I walked, but the impact from something or other smashing into my elbow made me hiss and jolt away. “Oi! You fuckin' tosser cock-gobbler piece a’ shit!” I whirled around and saw Officer Oscar, one of the sleaziest fucks around town.

Oscar gave me a grin and hit his palm with his billy-club a couple times as he chuckled like the cock he was. Fat bastard. “‘Ello ‘ello, Klepto Kaid. Knew I had me the right twink when I saw that jacket a’ yours.”

I glared at him. “You forget to call or something, lard-arse?”

“Is it in the drop spot?” Oscar asked quietly.

“Yeah, it’s all kosher. Pay me.” I demanded, lying my arse off. _You never gave me a drop point, rarted fuck._

“Ah, ah, ah! I can’t pay a criminal!” Oscar guffawed like he’d cracked the best of jokes.

“Pay me or I tell Graham about the last two schoolers you had do you 'favours'.” My no-bullshit tone made my pissy client shut the fuck up.

Oscar grabbed his wallet and paid me four hundred quid. “Just takin’ the piss with ya, bruv. You know how it is.” He chuckled nervously, his pedophile mustache suiting him perfectly.

I gave him a bored look. “You were gonna stiff me and stick me, plus this is only half if you don't count the bonus. You owe me. Know damn well that I have more dirt on the force than just about every other person in Wiltshire other than Sammy, so keep that in mind. The only reason we even do business is because it’s profitable.”

Oscar glowered at me. “Hands together. You’re under arrest, _twink._ ”

I gave him a dull look. “These power trips are super cute, love.”

His face flushed and is third or fourth chin started wobbling like mad. “Shut up ya dozey git! We got shit to do!”

I let him fasten the handcuffs just like he did the last time, and yet again he made them tight enough to suck. “As much as I’m loving the cuffs, can we get a fuzzy blue set later?” I asked cheekily. "Didn't Michelle ask for a set anyway?"

"You leave my wife out of this!" Oscar clubbed my back, but what he didn’t realize was that my favourite pair of light-boots were composite toes. One swift snap kick to the crotch later and I was waiting for Oscar’s face to turn from bright red back to a ruddy pinkish shade. “Fuckin’ little- _Cunt!”_ He mewled.

“Hit me again, Oscar. Fuckin’ test my patience,” I snarled.

He picked himself up off the ground. “That was a dirty move ya filthy animal!”

“You’re twice my size, and that’s an understatement you lard-blooded lout.” I replied flippantly, the sum of my respect for him and his authority on the table then and there. I don't hate the fuzz in general, but Oscar? Shit-tier to say the least.

  
Oscar didn’t say shit since I started walking without him. Fat fuck needed the exercise any way since he couldn’t fit in the Rozzer Rollers anymore. Hell, the only reason that his _morbid_ obesity hadn’t gotten him fired was because he had dirt on Graham. Shit was the only reason, and I made sure to remind Slop Suckler that the only things he was actually allowed to do was pick on the pluckers and taunt the cutthroats. I knew for a fact that Oscar’s days were numbered since he’d fucked up and made Slick Sagiano so pissed off that he cried because he was _just that angry_. Slick’s not exactly dangerous, but his brother? Whole different story, and I was willing to bet that Oscar’s family was going to go missing too. It might sound cold of me to dismiss the death of his kids and poor hamplanet wife, but it wasn’t my problem. You don’t fuck with someone else’s business in Wiltshire unless you’re their partner. That’s it. You can let family handle your business or you can let your crew do it, but you can’t let an associate or an acquaintance do much. That, and I hate Oscar. Guy’s a piece of shit, and like I said; his worries ain’t my thing.

We made it to the Cop-Shop without either of us getting hit again, and by the time Oscar got me sat down for the ten minutes I was going to have to stay there for. There were plenty of reasons to be worried when one was usually in my position; taken by a crooked cop and led straight to the station? Walking- _Knowingly_ walking into an arrest? I did it because I could crucify the mayonnaise-sweating swine-flu-carrying gutter-rubbish that brought me in. Oscar never did like living with the law, even though the bastard did his damndest to abuse his side of it.

When my ten minutes were up and Oscar hadn't returned to collect me, an Indian fellow who smelled like curry I (Surprise, surprise) was seated where a skinhead had been. At least he smelled better than the odiferous Neo-Nazi. At least the guy who smelled like mild curry had some decent cologne on, even if it was a bit thick. I just assumed that Neo-Nazis were incapable of functioning at full capacity since most of the ones I’d met were some special kind of spastic. I mean, you’ve got to be some kind of stupid to hate millions of people of the actions of a few, and you’ve got to be an actual retard to be racist without ever having held a real conversation with someone darker than a Nabisco cracker. I say that you lose the mental handicap when you come to your senses and realize that it’s literally impossible for a race to all act the same, have the same tastes, or perform the same actions.

However, Curry Guy made me want to be racist. “‘Ello Gov-nah!” He said in one of the thickest Indian accents I’d ever heard.

I gave him a look. “When’s the last time you actually heard a Brit say that shite, mate?”

“Pip pip, cheerio!” He gave me a shit-eating grin.

"... You got a-"

In the shit-tierest of accents I'd heard since the time a group of... _Kentuckians,_ got to my slice of England's pie... " _Moi name is Chauncy!_ "

I returned it. “Where’s your mother, _Chauncy?_ Got any sisters left in your open-street-shitting piss-pot hellhole godforsaken land of the damned? I bet they’re getting raped right now and there’s not a thing you can do about it because you’re here. With _me_. Sup, bruv? How's your day going?”

Curry Guy shut his fucking mouth.

“That’s what I thought, _dot-knot_.”

“... Do not call an Indian that word, my friend.”

“You’re the first to give me a reason to, mate. I think we ought to let there be silence.” I replied calmly.

“Silence is good.” 'Chauncy' said, sounding somewhat pissed. Not enough to bring out his magic rice and curry powder, but he was still salty.

Thirty more minutes passed as I fucked around in general, making faces at people, hitting on male cops, asking for measurements from the lady ones and generally just making an ass of myself. I had a few cops stop by and ask me how I was doing and I gave them the same amount of respect they gave me, so it usually turned out okay. I knew a few of the younger cops from school and a few of the older ones from my childhood, so the Wiltshire Constabulary knew me pretty well. Never had a charge stick, though. Well, not one for _Larceny_ , I should say. I did catch that public indecency back when I was seventeen...

And we're ignoring that. I get sidetracked, back to the task. While I was talking to Rooney, an older fellow that transferred in from Amesbury because his wife wanted to move closer to her parents, Oscar waddled his way over to us. It was easy to see the contempt in Rooney’s eyes when he knew Oscar wasn’t looking, and that went for anyone who could smell the fuck. For as much as the Scot pretends to be a Brit, he’s Fat Bastard, and I know for a fact that the nickname isn’t limited to just the underground affairs in Wiltshire. RMS (Rapist Molester Shitstain) Titanic hit an invisible iceberg and stopped long enough to unchain my cuffs from the bench so he could lead me to a place that _was not_ the great outdoors.

“Oi!” I whispered fiercely. “We’re going the wrong way, Oscar!”

He gave me a crooked, snaggletoothed smirk. “Didn’t know ya went stone-cold, Kaid. Glad to know I just brought in a _serial killer._ ”

The blood drained from my face. “Aww fuck.” I breathed. “... I’m going to enjoy reading about you a week from now, Macfatarse. It’ll be a _pleasure._ ” And I had the hookups to make it happen. Sammy and Dawgfukr were watching when I went in with Oscar. His arse?

_Dead._

Lardarse snorted. “Being nice won’t keep ya from this one, Kaid. Ya done screwed the pooch _real good._ ”

“You know when you put it out there that you snagged a plucker for being a cutthroat, you’re going to get killed in front of your family, right? Savage _Sagiano_ , Big Bruv to my _Main-Man_ Max, still rules Wiltshire from Gollum, Fat Bastard. You’ve just stuck your foot in the grave.”

Oscar scoffed hard, but he was sweating bullets, and it wasn’t from the warmth of the room. “What? So you’re suddenly one a’ Savage’s boys?”

I gave him a look. “Savage still calls to hire me because I’m one of the best pluckers in the South, mate. I might be his go-fer, but I’m _damn good_ at what I do and he values Human. _Capital_. You already know that he has Graham in his pocket, so…” I chuckled. “You’re a little _fucked,_ mate.”

Oscar backhanded me in front of three of his fellow officers, but he didn't get to do much more than that when Lady Lucille herself called out, “Fuckin’ _oi!_ Oscar you fuckin’ worthless sack of cholesterol! That’s way _the fuck_ outta line!” Roared Deputy Constable Lucille Wright. I bit back a smile because I knew that Lady Lucille had the clout to drop Oscar then and there, but then she said, “You know what? You’re fuckin’ done here! Badge, belt, baton. _Now._ ”

It was _so_ tasty to see Oscar’s face fall, and it was made even better by the fact that D.C. Lucille was known for being a teetotaling, devout Christian with a sense of justice stronger than Earth’s gravitational pull and the sun's warmth on a summer day. She was one of the good ones, which is why Oscar said, “L-Lucille! You gotta be takin’ the piss! This guy done massacred six a’ the most upstandin’-”

“Like a _petty larcenist_ is about to turn stone-cold, you fuckin’ tosser! That kid’s dodged charges like they were fuckin’ snails with battleaxes! I’ll prove that you set this little fuckface up one way or another if you’re not dead before then.” She spat. “Now get your shit and give. It. To. _Me_. Do you need me to repeat it again? Have all of those chips and crisps you never stop eating lodged into your tiny fuckin’ brain?” Lucille growled.

Oscar was a special kind of salt ridden, living the Salt Life as he begrudgingly gave up the tools he’d been carrying for years. All over one little slip up in front of the wrong woman. Kek. When the Deputy had his shit, she passed it off to one of her subordinates. “Get those back to the Kit Cage, Williams. Cooper, escort shithead out. Kaid... “ She narrowed her eyes at me. “Are you a plucker or a cutter?”

“Hypothetically speaking, if we’re just talking about what I could actually deal with, then I’d have to be a plucker, Deputy. I don’t have the heart to kill someone on purpose.” I answered truthfully.

She nodded. “Wilin’ to take a polygraph on that one?”

“Yes Sir.” I responded dutifully.

“Do I look like a man to you, kid?” Lucille snarled.

“No Ma’am.”

“Do I sound like a proper fuckin’ lady to you?”

“... I know you won’t hit me for saying something stupid, but I’m not willing to risk it,” I answered carefully.

She patted my cheek patronizingly and smirked at me. “Getting smarter by the minute. Hopefully you’ll wisen up and get on the right side of the law one day.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle at her. “Sir slash Ma’am, mix those together, but anyway; I’m saving up so I can go to college so I can go do something with the life I got. Hypothetically speaking, if I were a plucker, then I could imagine myself getting tired of the lifestyle before I hit eighteen.”

Lucille shook her head. “You gonna tell me who raised you yet? Or where the fuck they are?”

“Not quite, and away.”

“You realize you can trust the cop who just fired the guy who’s been blackmailing you and beating you, right?” She asked irritably.

I glanced around us, and we had a few wandering eyes. “Deputy, I’m paranoid. You could always have _eavesdroppers_ ,” I paused for a second, “so if you want to talk, we can head to one of the interrogation rooms.” I ended quietly. “I owe you one, so you get three questions. I’ll answer them honestly as long as you’re not trying to honeypot me into a confession for a crime I didn’t commit.”

And I meant it too. I never worked with the law when they were doing the usual stuff, but I knew a good one whe I saw one and Lucille? Not only was she a good ally to have at the moment, but she would be a fantastic one down the line and there was nothing anyone could do to convince me otherwise. When she fixed me with that hard, straight stare-down I met her gaze readily and only fidgeted a little. To my defense, she's both taller than me and a legend from back in her bar brawling days before she cleaned up her act, but even then she'd usually just beaten up guys who didn't know that 'no' meant 'non', 'uimh', 'nahin', and 'nihil/nullus'.

As she came to terms with what she wanted from me (It wasn't sex, I think), she bargained for less than I was willing to give. “I want two questions and a small favour.”

“Three questions.”

“I can always leave you in a cell for a couple of days since you’re being charged,” She deadpanned.

“What was that favour again?”

Lucille snorted in amusement and had me lead the way to one of the luxurious suites with cement walls, rigid chairs, and a frigid table. I took the seat furthest from the door because I was pretty sure that I was supposed to. “Oi, do I need to chain you down for this?” She asked once I was seated.

“Nah, you’d kick my arse to Glasgow if I tried some shite. It’s not worth the broken bones or fractured anything,” I replied, adequately conveying my feelings.

“Cheh,” It’s the noise she made, I swear, “keep that in mind. First question; who the bloody fuck gave birth to you?”

I frowned. “Babs Grace and Kincaid Gadai.”

She nodded. “I remember Babel. We went to school together.”

“She must have been a real treat,” I spat bitterly.

Lucille levelled a lethal look at me for a moment before heading out of the room. She came back in seconds later, slamming the door behind her. “Your mother was the one who got my brothers clapped out and iced up. That cunt fuckin' owes me _blood_ , so where exactly did she run off to?”

My lip curled. “Nowhere in particular. Probably Hell, with any luck on our part. Really, she's not worth the fury anymore.” And something told me that Lucille had already known what I'd just told her, which was why I wasn't going to count it as a question. Yet.

The Deputy sucked air in through her teeth. "What happened to her?"

"Passed away. She OD'ed or something of the sort. I just know I was sad about it for a little while, but that little while passed before the day was over."

“Right. So what happened to your father?”

“He’s away.” I answered.

She rolled her eyes. “So we’re back to that bullshit?”

I shrugged. “You bartered for two questions and I gave you, like, three.”

“Tch. And here I thought we shared a common enemy.”

“We do, it’s just that our common enemy is dead and I’m about to get lynched for some shit I don’t know about. What am I even being charged with right now?”

“Six counts of premeditated homicide,” Lucille said bluntly.

“... _Fuck me!_ ” I groaned. “Why the hell ll would I kill six people? Actually, why the hell am I a suspect in the first place? I don’t even live in town!”

Lucille gave me a flinty look. “We both know it’s a setup, kid. You got too much monotone postage on every dirty rozzer one way or another, and I’m willing to bet that’s why you’ve never had a charge stick.”

I raised a brow. “I’ve never had a charge stick because I’m an innocent kinda guy.”

“You’re fulla shi-” The door to the interrogation room was flung open with force and in strode the Chief himself; Alexander Graham. Lucille snapped to attention. “Sir!”

Chief Graham gave her a passing glance. “You can leave now, Deputy.”

“Sir, I-”

“That was a pleasant dismissal. The next one has you checking alleys solo Hallow's Eve” His tone was sub-zero, and there was little that would have made me speak up at the moment..

Lucille gave me one last look and gave me the up-nod, but I couldn't return it since Graham was glaring at me as she left. “... So… I’m pretty sure I’m being framed.” I said awkwardly.

“No shit, Sherlock.” Graham smirked. “It’s about time Oscar did something useful. Having him make you do a daylight run was priceless when it came to getting a warrant for your arrest.”

I inhaled slowly and let it out slowly. “I’ve never fucked with you and your lot, Chief. It's known that Gecko doesn't take jobs on Rozzers, so what’s this _really_ about?”

“Tying up a loose end is all,” He replied ominously. “There's a lot that has been noted of you during your trips to the doctors, Kaid. A lot of people are _very_ interested in you for a few reasons, but it's mostly your blood. I won't waste my breath explaining it to you, but not only can I potentially put you down. Oh no, I can also possibly make you into a _very_ valuable person..."

"... I beg your pardon?"

Graham beamed at me. "Oh, didn't you know? Your blood type is AB-O negative, Kaid Gadai. You, my friend, are _quite_ the little mutant~ Your blood is _very_ receptive to certain... Shall we say, _transformative_ mutagentics?"

"... _Shit_." I breathed. "Graham, look, you got it all wrong-"

"Oh, _Kaid,_ how I do not. You, my friend, are about to be the first of your kind to ever walk the Earth, or you'll die like the rest of my little subjects. You know the reason you've been allowed to walk free for so long is because it's not guaranteed that you'll survive, right? Actually, I'm kind of just hoping to change you, break you in, and get some _millions_ for my little side-project. It just so happens that you're what's known as a _human_ _catalyst,_ and your kind? Very, _very_ profitable. Here's hoping that little arse of yours can handle what I have in store for you. _If_ you live long enough, that is." He chuckled darkly.

"Graham, I don't know what you're on about, but _I can make you money!_ I can rake in the quid! Hell, help me out and I can make you more than whatever the fuck this is! I fuckin' _swear!_ You can't just-"

"Hm? Oh, I can. I can and I will." He turned toward the two-way mirror. "Dr. Svikari? Your presence is needed.”

I gave Graham a panicked look before a rail-thin, rat-faced man in a tacky Mod-Scene suit strolled in with a metallic looking briefcase. I got the fuck out of my chair and set into my ‘Flight’ stance rather than the ‘Fight’ one, but Graham, being over two meters tall and about eight stone heavier than me, just stood in front of the door while Rat Face opened up the briefcase, diverting his attention just long enough for me to make Flight 'Fight'. There was a lot going through my mind and a little bit of it was rational. The look of sheer _joy_ on Grahams face made me doubt that I was seeing things right, but it didn't matter in the moment. I leaped across the able and smashed Rat-Face in his rat-face with my elbow, a nasty crack sounding as I drove my full weight into the blow. It was good enough, but the fuckers' _eye popped out_. Landing on the guy with a dangling eye, dropped in the hellish nightmare as I was, I ripped one out of its socket and drove my fingers into the other because... I don't know... An eye for an- No, that's... I probably actually...

Sadly. I didn’t get off of the screaming-mimi before I felt a needle get jammed into my neck like I was a fucking pincushion, and whatever the fuck was in the syringe burned as it went it and felt like it was roasting me from the inside out. Rat Face and I screamed together for a little until Graham threw me off of him and into the table. I took a nasty knock to the noggin which voided my utility payments immediately, so to speak. Either way, the lights were out.

I don’t know how long I was out, but I do know that my day was shit tier. It was officially worse than using Jigglypuff with no Rest in Melee, and it was looking like it was devolving rapidly into a fucking trash-heap of whatever animal poo happens to be smelliest. My head was killing me, my spine felt stiffer than a fourteen-year-old at the Playboy Mansion, and it hurt to look at the dank, morbid place I was inhabiting for the time being. The dim light overhead told me that there was no fucking way that I was still in the police station, and looking around the room made me want to not look at _anything._ Fear caressed my heart with its nails, leaving slight gouges in the soft flesh that made my chest hurt and my breathing quicken exponentially. I started hyperventilating when I thought of the wall of sexual objects and I knew I recognized one of those toys as a urethral probe, but when I blinked and stared, it turned into a wall of tools, then a wall of needles and other things. I couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't, tripping through terror as I was. The sheer level of fear ans stimulus entering my mind made me try and throat up, but I could barely breathe. It was... It was _horrifying_ to be tied up again, and this time there wasn't so much as a single sexy-ish Granny in sight. I really missed the Golden Gal Gang at the moment and wished they'd just killed me when they were through with me way back whenThe shit was debilitating, and none of what I saw in front of me made _sense..._

I busied myself with looking at the ceiling, counting the tiles over and over again, praying to a God that I’d tried to have faith for only to give up hope when Graham still strolled through the entrance to the room. He had the metal briefcase that Rat Face had placed on the table in the interrogation room, and yes I did over-explain that just so I could rhyme. Deal with it. Graham smiled at me for a long time. I don’t know how long since there was no way of telling the time in the room, and much to my dismay, Graham stopped standing in one place and went to go open the case on a table before lifting a syringe from its walls. The bastard had to be thirty centimeters long overall, and half of it was _all needle_. The glowing, swirling, silver and gold liquid inside of the syringe defied the laws of fluid dynamics which I’m not really familiar with to be fair, but when you’ve got the two liquids settling into vertical, horizontal, and diagonal lines, I think it's safe to say something's not right. The fluids also crisscrossed and formed jagged, sharp-looking shapes all in the span of fifteen or so seconds. That means everything I just described, not just the latter.

“Kaid, we have a problem." His voice boomed in my head like he was talking directly to my mind itself _. "Y_ ou see, Dr. Svrikari might be a blind fool, literally now, but he practiced his craft well. You just stole the eyes from one of the most brilliant minds on the face of the planet, but that’s not where our problem lies. No, not quite. The bad little boy that you are broke one of my toys. Svrikari was one of my favourite pieces to play and now we have to hope that he can have a transplant, which means you’re all mine and mine alone…” Graham chuckled darkly and approached me, but I was unable to move. “This little experiment is more important than you could ever know, and if you live through it, you’ll be the first man to… Well, _if_ this works, then it just means you’ll be mine for a little bit longer than you bargained for. It won't be too bad, I assure you. You'll just _wish_ I'd killed you when we start. Oh, and one more thing...” He chuckled again and unbuckled the belt on his trousers. making my mind go wild at the implications. Instead of hitting me with it or doing something like a normal person, Alexander Graham held the needle high and pressed the tip into my chest. "You won't die from this before I get off in you a couple times. If you survive... Well then, you'll have the privilege of servicing me until I get tired of you. Then you'll go to the next person. And then then the next. And the next, and the one after that... So on and so forth~"

He beamed at me and slowly drove the needle into my chest, centimeter by centimeter. I couldn't scream or move anything other than my head. I couldn't breathe after a while and I hoped that the void would take me; that I'd be released from my nightmare and that Graham would be wrong from the start. I prayed for a quick death when he pressed the plunger down and the pain started all over again, tearing me apart from the inside out... It was... Shit. No. I don’t want to write it down… It…

It just...

Goddamnit...

**☾✯☾۞☽✯☽**

I woke up in pain with my mind reeling and my mouth tasting like bile, but I was happy with where I was from the first inhalation. I was face down in moist dirt, all of my limbs were attached to me, and the pain was fading quickly as I rose, pushing myself up off of the ground so I could take stock of the memories I was repressing. They were being swallowed nicely along with all the others, and when I took a look around to see where the fuck I was, I realized that I was _hot._ It wasn't the season for hot, moist dirt, and there was nowhere in England that would have been properly heated for it unless it was some kind of terrarium or greenhouse. Winter was still going strong if memory served me correctly. However, in the subtropical forest I found myself in, there was no sign of Jack Frost or his Guardian friends. There were no telltale signs of sentient life either, so I got to my feet, checked myself one last time, and found that I was wearing my jacket again, my favourite pair of denim trousers. I also saw that my boots were back along with my dirk and throwing knives, and I was wearing a blue shirt that I’d gotten rid of years ago because it had gotten too raggedy. Somehow it was now in decent condition, which told me that I wasn’t in Kansas anymore, Toto. Looking around told me that I was somewhere in a jungle, or maybe a tropical forest that was lush with the nonsentient kind of life, which kind of struck me as a bad thing.

My luck had spiked only to bottom out when I realized that I had no survival skills nad it seemed unlikely for me to run into a friendly bunch of Tribals that weren't going to shoot me with arrows or give a guy the ol' folky poke with some spears. No, I wasn't looking forward to that, but with a little luck that seemed to be trickling my way, I could get out of the forest/jungle and into a city far away from Swindon. I didn't know where I was, but I sure as fuck wasn't missing my home or any of the people therein. It was nice to be alone for once, but that also brought up a lot fo the bad thoughts that I choked down. After picking a direction that seemed to be downhill, I followed a path until I heard the sound of running water. It would've been nice to wake up next to the aforementioned water, but it's not like I would've sipped from the stream, no matter how thirsty I was.

The first thing that surprised me was how… Well, when I started paying more attention to my surroundings, the air smelled fresh, even if it was overlayed with decay and foresty smells. There were flowers of all kinds of crazy colors and orientations that I saw on my way to the river, though I was pretty sure that none of them had ever come up in my casual reading during my downtime. When I got to the source of water, the river itself smelled like bottled mineral water. It was probably pure and clean, or as close as any water on Earth ever got. If there ever was such a thing as immediately potable water, the river in front of me probably had it. However, I know far too well what’s in the Thames since I’ve seen a few body dumps while on a stroll, so I just had to deal with my thirst since there was nothing I could do about it.

I started following the rvier down stream when I heard rather than saw a disturbance in the rapids. It was unsettling nad made me start heading away from the sound, but before I could get away from the water, a fucking massive, more than giant, _enormous_ Goddamn river serpent just popped the fuck up out of the water like Leviathan and towered over me a toothy grin. I didn’t lose control of my bladder, but I may or may not have squealed little bit in surprise. It was a manly kind of squeal, but it was still squeaky and made me wonder what kind of drugs were in my system. It’s not every day that a thirty-meter long snake-thing just rises out of the water you were thinking about drinking, dysentery be damned. The serpent rose from the water with a stretch of its tiny arms, which I assumed were vestigial since he was a fucking _snakey snake_.

“Ah goood _mo~rning!_ ” The twinkiest of twink voices called out to me.

I was pretty sure that it was coming from the thing in from of me. I didn’t know how to respond. A lot of things ran through my mind in that moment. A good deal of 'fucks' were thrown out of the window and I wondered if I could avoid an ego death if I gave into the trip, so I said, “Wotcher, mate. Good morning to you too.” _Am I going to die?_

The serpent tilted its head down and looked at me with something in its eyes that I’d just seen from Graham. Lust. “Well aren’t you just a cutie! Tell me, cutie pie; what’s a sweet little ape like you doing running around near my river, hm?”

“Uh… Looking for a way to the closest town?” I tried anxiously, hoping that I wasn’t about to get turned into an onahole. or lunch. The lunch route was a faster, nicer death, so I kind of leaned toward looking tasty rather than sexy.

“Oh dear! That would have to be Ponyville, which you can find by following the river, dear monkey. Tell me, what’s your name?” The serpent batted it’s scaly eyelids at me like it was supposed to have eyelashes.

 _Okay. Okay, you don't eat things that have a name. That's one down._ My brain told me to give it a fake name and some part of me wanted to go with Latin, so I snatched Max's nick and added some flair for safety. “... Name’s Max. Maximus Kinkaid, to be exact, but most people just call me Max.” I answered. It just seemed like the right thing at the time since I didn’t want the thing knowing my real name.

“Maximus you say? What a wonderful name! Why, my own name, Stephen Magnet, seems to pale in comparison!”

“Yours sounds better to me, oddly enough. Want to trade? You can call me Magnet,” I joked uneasily. _This thing is gonna fuck me, I can already feel it. Welp, there goes my day. Wasn't too eager for it anyway.  
_

The same-sexual super serpent snickered in the most stereotypically annoying way. “If only we could! Tell me, little cutie, would you mind doing me a favour?”

“... Depends on what it is-” I hesitated to call him ‘mate’ again, just in case he thought I was coming onto him, so I just cut myself off.

Stephen beamed with his not really all that scary teeth, though I only noticed that because I wasn't shitting my trousers. “I was just hoping that you could deliver a present to a friend of mine. Of course, I’d be willing to do you a favour in turn, like getting you to Ponyville.” He wiggled his brows. “Ah? Ah? Does that sound like a good trade?”

I didn’t know what the fuck or where the fuck Ponyville was supposed to be, but it sounded kind of American, though I assumed that because Magnet sounded American. _Dear God, you've done jackshit for me so far, mate. Please. Lend a hand on this one._ “Sure. I’ll do my best to hold up my end of the bargain. Never let it be said that K- _Max_ imus doesn’t do his part.”

Magnet gave me a dirty look. “Were you about to say something else there, little monkey?

“Do you know what ‘Kid Wonder’ means?” I asked, covering my tracks. _Don't-eat-me-don't-eat-me-don't-eat-me-_

“Ah, I do! So you’re a bit of a braggart, are you?” Magnet’s skepticism was cast aside like the shell of a hardboiled reptilian egg.

“A little bit. What do you want me to deliver, Stephen Magnet?”

“One moment, please.” He dove underneath the water like I wished that I could and came back up with a shitty golden crown. I could tell that it wasn’t pure gold just by looking at it, and the construction was kinda sub-par. The gold alone was the only thing valuable about it, not the styling. “This is a gift for my dear friend, Miss Rarity of the Carousel Boutique. If you would be so kind as to take this to her for me, then I would greatly appreciate it.”

“Consider it done. If nothing else, I’ll consider it payment for not eating me.” I chuckled nervously.

Stephen rolled his eyes hard. “Do you even know how bad red meat is for my scales? I wouldn’t eat you if you _paid me to_ , cutie pie. Jeez, talk about a moodkiller.

I breathed a sigh of relief and had myself a little chuckle. "Sorry about that, bruv, but you're a little bigger than me and I might be some kind of wasted right now. I don't think logic is-" I got swept off of my feet and got thrown through the air for a second or two which sound a lot like, " _Shitting **fuck!**_ ", but then I landed softly onto Magnet’s head.

“Skittish, aren’t we?” He commented cheerfully.

“Oi! That was terrifying you oversized skink!” I protested, making my voice sound more playful that scared. _Christ almighty! Thank you, God. Thank you so much!_

I thought I did terribly, but Magnet bought it. “Ah, oh well. I’m sure you’ll enjoy the ride as long as I don’t drop you."

"Speaking of, do you come around these parts often? And... Uh... Do you drink?"

"This whole river is mine, little monkey Max, and I don't really need to. I kind of get what I need from living in the water, you know."

"Ah... Fair point. Are there... Are there anymore big fellas like you in the river or...?"

"Oh, I'm the biggest thing in here, but there are plenty of nastly little raggamuffins under the water, so I'd suggest bringing a boat or getting _really_ lucky if you ever plan on staying in the water for more than a few minutes. While I won't be offended if you come back, I will be rather upset if I see a bite or two taken out of you whenever we meet again."

"Oh. That's... Actually kind of nice of you, in a backhanded way, I guess. Say, have you ever had bourbon?"

"Hm? I don't know what that is."

I offered to show him some time and he agreed to let the little human bring a barrell of liquor to see if we could get him drunk. Stephen Magnet did _not_ drop me throughout the ride and it was actually pretty smooth, even if he did snakey-snake through the river to move through it. Even when we got to the edge of the forest after a couple of hours, the conversation flowed and we got along pretty decently before the panic attack started to settle in, but I'd had plenty of time ot learn how to ward them off. However, doing so on top of a moving super-serpent was hard and proved to be a challenge I didn't want to face. We’d chatted about our lives for a little bit, though it’s not like it was terribly educational. Other than the obvious, I was convinced that I was, without a doubt, _so fucked up_. I'd never done any drug with a high that would make me hallucinate with so much clarity, but lo' and behold, I was chilling on a river serpent's head, enjoying the mid-summer breeze.

After we had our conversation and I was done going through the list of drugs I could have taken, I said,“Thanks for the lift, bruv. I really appreciate it, but can you tell me where I am? Like, I’m pretty sure I’ve lost my mind and I’m just gonna roll with it, but where am I?”

Stephen let me hop off of his head before answering. “Why, just outside of Ponyville in the lovely country of Equestria! You’re not too far from Sadelle, Cloppings, or if you’re truly lost, you can take the train from Ponyville and get to Canterlot. The junction at Canterlot can take you back home, wherever that may be.”

“... I’ve never heard of _any_ of those shitty horse puns, bruv,” I replied slowly.

Magnet tilted his colossal head and made a questioning noise. “You’ve never even heard of them? Where are you from, new little friend?”

I took a moment to be thunderstruck. “... I’m from a planet called Earth or Terra.”

“Earthorterra?”

“The names are separate, and I need a lie down for a spell.” I sat down on the riverbank numbly, crossing my legs and folding my hands.

Magnet came a little closer. “Are you okay, Max?”

“... I will be. I will be.” I said the first one loud enough for Magnet, the second one to console myself. _Kaid, where the fuck are you, mate?_

“... I’m terribly sorry to say that I don’t know how to help you, my friend. If you truly aren’t from Equus, then I can only hope that you find your place once more.”

“Thanks, bruv. I’ll figure something out,” I answered, my resolve firming up as my generally adaptable nature slapped my arse cheeks at the same time to put some pep in my step. “I’m not about to let this shit get to me, so I gotta take it in stride, right? One foot in front of the other until I make it to where I wanna go!” I ended by laying on the ground so I could kip up, nailing the move since I'd practiced it a thousand and a half times

“That’s the spirit, Maximus! Onward and upward!” Magnet cheered.

“Oi, thanks for the help again, Magnet. I’ll have to see if I can be friends with your Rarity so we can come back and visit sometime.”

“Oh, I’m sure she’ll be happy to add another friend to her circle! Really, when you do meet Rarity you’ll have to have her introduce you to her friends. They’re all perfectly cute for being feminine, but the important part is that they’re generally pleasant.”

“Are they all tarts?”

“Does that mean fillies or mares?”

“... _Mate._ Please tell me that those girls kinda sorta look like me.”

Stephen gave me an odd look. “If you’d hurry up, you’d be able to see for yourself.”

“Right. Just head towards the town over there, right?” I asked, pointing at the distant, surprisingly vibrant place. It looked like it would take a fair amount of time to get there.

“Yep! Oh, and before you go, do remember to stay out of the Everfree from now on. Miss Rarity will take you to our usual meeting place, so don’t feel obligated to make the hazardous trek just to see little old me.”

“I’ll be sure to ask about it. I’ll be seeing you, bruv, and again, thanks for everything. I'll bring that barrell by when I can find one, or we'll get you drunk otherwise.”

“What does that mean? Bruv, that is.”

“Ah, it’s shorthand for ‘Brother’ or ‘Bro’, but it’s more of a British or an English thing. Mate means ‘Friend’, though it’s usually for guys.”

“Oh. What does tart mean?”

“It’s usually a word for a pretty girl.”

“Ah. I don’t believe I’ve heard the term ‘girl’ used for a female before.”

“I’m sure you haven’t heard ‘boy’ for a male yet then.” I sighed.

“Onward and upward my friend.” Stephen repeated comfortingly.

I gave him a lopsided grin. “Damn straight, bruv. Keep calm and carry on like a wayward son.”

“That’s an inside joke, no?”

“Yeah, kinda. It’s going to suck now that all of my references are meaningless,” I grumbled irritably. “Bullshit new planet.” I shuddered for a second before I got a grip. “Anyway, it was a pleasure to meet you, tall, dark, and friendly. If I can, I’ll have to see if we can get you drunk.”

“You mentioned that before, but I still don't understand the context.”

I grinned at him deviously. “You’ll see. It’ll be a great time.”

He gave me another smile. “If you say so.”

With that, I was off. There weren’t many trees blocking my view of the town, but it was still pretty far away, so I figured that I might as well lengthen my strides a bit as I tend to do when I want to get somewhere fast and not appear like I’m trying. The headway I was making actually turned out to be pretty good, and even though I was still wary of the forest, I felt a little better for knowing that there was talking creatures within that were willing to help a lost soul. It was emboldening in it's own right, and then I even found a cool stick that made for a good walker. It was a pretty adequate stick, if my stick judging skills are anything to go by. I don’t know a damn thing about wood other than the fact that you can make shit with it, so take my opinion with a tablespoon of salt under an ice cube.

When I got out of the actual woods instead of the pseudo-jungle that I’d previously occupied, I scoped out the town with a frown on my face. I already missed the greys and earth tones that covered Wiltshire and most of the surrounding towns just from looking at the horribly colourful place, but I wasn't missing Swindon itself at all. Fuck that place, fuck Oscar, and _fuck Graham_. The town looked like it had been doused in Rainbow Brite’s sick or like a child had gone crazy in MS Paint. I also likened it to a Leprechaun's permanent home under the rainbow and sapped the colour from the natural phenomenon. Yes, rainbows are literally just light reflecting off of water and dust in the air, but the Aurora Borealis has been explained too and the shit’s still cool to look at.

While I was taking in the slight hills and generally flat environment, I wondered where in the bloodiest of fucks I’d just ended up, even though Magnet had told me exactly where I was. There was so much going through my head all at onc,e but my most recent memories of home were fading as I choked and strangled them to the best of my ability, so I took a moment to think about what I wanted. I knew for a fact that I was probably starting at rock bottom all over again; that I wasn't going to have any of the shit I'd previously scraped and saved to back me up as I rebuilt my life. MY heart hurt something fierce when I thought about the _thousands_ I had lost and the future I'd imagined crumbling beneath my very feet, though on the other side of the cloud where the silver-lining lay, I'd just met a mini-Leviathan and it _hadn't_ eaten me. If I could survive Magnet without dying, then I was sure that life in general was going to be alright if I could get it to be.

When I had myself calmed down, I took the time to steel my resolve. I had a second chance and this time? This time I didn't have to worry about my shady past. This time, the memories of Swindon and its hellish underbelly were just that; things to be forgotten in time if I could manage. I took a deep breath and put my best, leftest foot forward and took the first step toward a new start in a world when 'girl' and 'boy' weren't common words, but English was a language all the same. I then put my second favourite foot in front of the left one and got out of the treeline. Then as I got out of the trees, I looked left, then turned my head to the right and just barely saw a light blue blur before it slammed into me.


	2. Life in Technicolour

Life had gone from better to sucking eggs rather quickly and it wasn't because I'd done something to make it suck. I got bumrushed by something fast, blue, and just about as bony as I was, so I didn't find much of the ride to be pleasant. Skidding across the ground was terrible and ruined my jacket as I later found out, but I was mostly, definitely pissed about being ridden like I was some kind of scooter that you play with at school. It wasn't fun, the cunt on top of me was heavy, and life was, again, sucking a fat pair of eggs that cracked in my mouth and left me with yolk in my gob. There wasn't much I could do about it until said person sliding on me got off, and _she_ didn't apparently seem to be in any hurry to do so. My arms were pinned beneath her legs, my back was firmly planted in the ground, and when we actually came to a stop, she had the gall to breathe a sigh of relief. _While still on top of me._

I opened my eyes and glared up at the blue-painted _Furry-wannabe_ _cunt_ that had crashed into me and ridden me in the least fun way I’ve ever experienced. “Whoa, total wipeout! Are you okay, dude?”

“G _ et the fuck off! _ ” I grunted so saltily I could’ve attracted game or livestock. Little did I  _ fucking know _ . 

_ She _ got off with and said, “Wow. Don’t have to be a douche about it, dude.”  _ Bitch, you can’t be serious. You cereally cannot be serious right now. _

“You fuckin’  _ Furry-cock-suckin’ _ ditch rat! The  _ fuck  _ did you  _ tackle me for!?  _ _ Seriously _ _!?”  _ I was channeling my inner Dragon, Outraged Pokemon-style as I got to my feet.

“I didn’t do it  _ on purpose! _ You should have gotten out of the way!” The dumbarse barked back.

“Woman- You gotta be takin’ the piss… with me…” She’d spread her wings as I spoke, the  _ obviously not fake  _ things making my voice die in my throat. “...  _ Christ…” _

__ She looked at my confused face, seeming pretty bewildered herself. “... You good?”

“... Those are  _ wings. _ ”   


“Yeah, I was flying. You kinda need wings to do that most of the time.”

I stared at her head because her  _ horse ears  _ flicked from time to time. “... Holy shit.  _ Holy shit… _ I’m not on drugs. I am  _ not on drugs! _ ”

Her demeanor seemed to shift from irritated to cautious. “... I repeat; You good?”

“ _ What. The.  _ _ Fuck _ _. _ ” I backed away from her.

“That’s kinda  _ rude… _ ”

“ _ The fuck are you!? _ ”

“... A Pegasus?”

“Four-  _ legs- Horse! Pegahorse! Gah fuck!”  _ I fell back, no longer so much as irritated.

“... Did you just call me a horse?”

“...  _ I have to be on drugs. _ ” I murmured. “God, these are some  _ really strong drugs. _ ” And it fit my situation. First the flaming River Beast-Serpent thing, then the  _ blue horse-woman. _

“I really hope you are because that gives you  _ half  _ a reason to call somepony a horse.”

I just stared for a second. “... You’re not a horse-person? Er, like, a  _ centaur? _ ”

“... I don’t know what ‘person’ means, but I heard ‘horse’ again. Keep it up, bud,” she growled, “I’ll show you a  _ horse. _ ”

“... What…  _ What  _ _ are you _ ?”

“ _ A. Pegasus. _ What the buck are  _ you? _ Where even  _ are  _ your ears,  _ shrimp-dick _ ?” I would’ve replied to that if I wasn’t shocked, but I just moved my hair and showed her. “... Oh.”

__ “So you’re… You’re not a horse…?”

“Why do you keep  _ insulting me? _ ” Her brow furrowed and she took a step toward me. 

__

“... I’m not. I don’t have to. I’m not going to.” I got to my feet.  _ Kaid, are you gonna deal with this? No, Kaid, I’m gonna find some water, see if I still have that half-G on me, and then try to smoke it. This… This is too intense to be Lucy.  _ “Goodbye, farewell, and good flying magic-horse-woman-creature-thing. Please don’t hurt me while I-” And thus I yeeted myself away when she started toward me.

I tried running.  _ I really did _ . I’d usually consider myself a fast little fucker, but I didn’t have  _ wings. _ She  _ flew  _ and caught up with me in less than five full seconds which really, truly sucked. The only reason I’d dodged her first attack was because I’d looked over my shoulder, so I considered myself lucky and decided to try and Dark Souls her arse toward the town I’d been trying to get to in the first place. By that I mean I circle-strafed her and dodged her blows when they came since she wasn’t really trying to hurt me, just get some licks in. However, I had a bad feeling about getting hit by an alien/mutant/abomination and spent my time  _ not  _ getting hurt. I stumbled over knots and rocks in the soil from time to time, but I was making good headway.

It was a slow process since I was practically playing matador with the rainbow-haired  _ Pega-person _ , but when I got her into town, I fucking cut the bullshit after crossing her up so bad she fell face first into a cobblestone wall. With that sorted out and her just about loopy as shit, I beat feet like the heat was on and did the thing I do best; run and hide. Well, I technically break into places, but I tend to run and hide while I’m inside so… You know what? I’m just a regular Jack of all Trades when it comes to the thiefy bits. I bolted and left the Pegasus-thing where she was and started ducking down alleys until I came out on the other side of town, which was a picturesque place to be. The rolling hills held patches of different flowers and I knew that I saw some tasty looking sunflowers off in a patch of its own. I love me some sunflower seeds, but what I was more worried about was getting caught and having to fight someone who was probably only like, five feet tall give or take. It would’ve reflected poorly on me if I’d up and stomped her face in, but it would’ve been worse if I’d gotten my shit kicked in like I thought I would. I let it go for the time being and traveled through the town solo after taking my jacket off and letting my hair down. 

Once I’d gotten rid of my man-ribbon tied around my wrist, I debated losing it because it reminded me of Babs and wondered why I’d even brought it. Granted, I hadn’t chosen any of the things I’d worn, but I hated the thing anyway and hated  _ Babs _ more than anyone else in my entire twenty years. With a note of finality and a hope of getting rid of the reminder, decided to give it to some short horse-girl that was probably a kid and got to stepping. I spent a couple minutes just walking aimlessly, looking for marks that I could stroll past up until I actually saw the blue one talking animatedly to some pastel-orange horse-person. I’d seen a lot of horse-people in a lot of colours and the new one was… Actually  _ kinda hot… _ She wore an American cowboy-hat and had blonde hair, which was like a breath of fresh air among the colour-vomit of the other hybrids/aliens. I took a moment to look at the fucking _ tail  _ she had because I hadn't noticed it on the crash-course-cunt, and I’ll admit my eyes did wander a little bit. For a horse-thing she had a  _ great arse _ that I would have loved to get a handful of at some point. Yes, I have dirty thoughts, but that’s because my blood is red and I’m a male of my species. Even if she was a Furry’s dream partner, she was still an alien and  _ xenophilia is not wrong _ . Being a _ Furry  _ is wrong, but  _ xenophilia  _ is sexy. Just ask Captain Kirk or Yoda. I’m pretty sure Yoda got laid at some point.

I didn’t let my eyes linger too long after I’d seen her face and kept walking around since I didn’t have much else to do. As I was strolling along, I ended up at the big, important looking building that I assumed was Town Hall or something akin to it. With nothing else to do, I considered going inside and had a few people stop and talk to me. The conversations ususally ranged from, ‘Are you new to town?’ to ‘I’ve never seen you before!” and I responded in kind. Even if I was weirded out by the aliens there still wasn’t a reason to be rude to people who’d done nothing to me. A lot of the people I’d talked to didn’t seem to notice I was one of them, but after the last, _green as_ _fuck_ one finished with their inquiries, I decided to take an active role in learning stuff. Call it my kitty-curiosity.

I stopped a local and asked if I was allowed to go inside and. The horse-woman gave me an odd look. “Sweetheart, why wouldn’t you be allowed in?”  _ Holy fuck! _

I shrugged, struggling to not let my gaze dip below her lips. “Where I’m from you only go to the Courthouse if  _ you’re _ in trouble or if someone you know is.”

The woman gave me a questioning look. “Are you from Bridleland or Scotchland? Your accent is very distinct.”  _ You’ve never heard a blooded Ginger talk, have you? _

“Neither, actually. I’m from Swindon, England. In the Wiltshire area.” I replied truthfully, a slight hope in my heart.

“Oh? I’ve never heard of England.” She said.  _ Fuck me. Fuck me sideways with a boo- Barnacle! I mean barnacle! _ “It’s not like I look at atlas’ all day, though.”

It was a struggle to not look when she crossed her arms. The effort I put forth should have gotten me paid. “Eh, it’s probably not on any map you’ll find here, I’m guessing. It was nice meeting you Miss…?”

“I’m the local Milk-Mare, Milky Way,” The blue haired woman said pleasantly.

I extended a hand and she shook it.  _ Fake name fake name fake name-  _ “Name’s Maximus, but most people I like call me Max.” I gave her a little smirk.  _ Maxwell, if your name get me killed, I’m plugging your arse. _

Milky Way smiled and folded her arms the opposite way, tempting me beyond levels a man shouldn’t be able to reach. I’m not even a breast man, but the poor thing’s massive mammaries had me making sure that I thought of more morbid moments. They had to be G-cups at  _ least.  _ “That’s a unique name. I’d love to talk to you some more, but I still have some errands to run.” She smiled apologetically.

I gave her an easy grin. “It’s been a pleasure, Milky Way.”

She giggled and flapped a hand at me. “Oh please, Milky will do just fine.”

“Milky then. I hope our paths cross again.” _ And I kinda hope you make the milk... Nah, that’d be gross. And taxing, I guess. _

Milky gave me a smile and we went our separate ways, though I didn’t end up going inside of the Town Hall. Instead, I asked around and found out that there was a library in town, which was probably going to be my best bet for gathering info regarding the world I found myself on. With a destination in mind, I had places to go and a librarian named ‘Twilight Sparkle’ to visit, so I got to stepping. After a while of nothing but walking an ignoring my problems, my left hand flew to my back pocket and my right to my chest. My ring and wallet were still where they were supposed to be, and in a  _ rare _ moment of weakness, I allowed myself to dip into a back alley and take the necklace off.

I stared at the white gold and rubbed the tiny diamond that it held. My little reminder to stay strong. “ _... Hey... Pops… Know it’s been a few years since I tried praying, but… You’re still my Dad, right? I’m… I’m real lost right now, Pops. I don’t know what I’m doing here. I know you’re not gonna answer, but I need to talk to  _ _ someone _ _. Got no food, no cash, no place to lay me head.. Startin’ at rock bottom all over again, init? _ ”

I grit my teeth and blinked back the tears of anger and frustration as I clutched onto my mini life-ring, trying to keep my head above the flood while I waited to adapt; while I  _ forced _ myself to come to terms with it just like I had when I’d lost him. “ _ I don’t know if you’re still with me, or if you ever even left, but… Help me, fuckface. I need you now more than I ever have. _ ” I kissed the diamond and put the necklace back on, giving myself three deep breaths to get a grip. It had always worked when I’d needed it to. Still worked.

Talking it out had helped a little, so I kept my head on my shoulders and decided to take a detour on my route to the library. I palmed one of my cheap little throwing knives from my boot-sheathes and made my way back to Town Square since I’d seen the most people there. Plenty of marks were milling about going between shops and stalls, but I wasn’t necessarily interested in ‘shopping’. With plenty of coinpurses available I went around and plied my trade; Checking out who had the most to spare. Tax me, faggot; it’s all under the table. 

Scoping marks had never been easier since few people weren’t pulling coins out of their  _ hair _ , and yes, I mean that  _ seriously _ . That shit seriously happened  _ dozens  _ of times while I walked around the market. Of the people who were wearing actual coin purses, there seemed to be slim pickings for the most part. The best thing about the whole situation? I’d checked a jewelry store earlier while I was just ambling about, looking for possible vics and went back to it unaccosted. When I loitered around a little,I saw a couple with two coin purses fatter than your unfortunately hot, underage step-sister’s cameltoe. Why your step-mum lets her wear that stuff? I dunno, but stop looking  _ you creep _ . 

Anyway, I pulled a second knife from my other boot since I keep two in the left one and three in the right. My dirk stayed where it was in my left boot since it’s a last resort kind of deal, but I didn’t need it anyway. All of my knives were dutifully sharpened, just in case I needed one to cut a thing/person. As I walked straight in between the couple, they voiced some dissent and I called back, “Sorry! Wasn’t watching where I was going!”

I heard the snobby looking woman grumble as her husband (I assumed) told her to let it go since it wasn’t that big of a deal, but he _ just didn’t know _ . I ducked into another alley to count up my scratch, but little to my surprise I had a hard time reading the language on the coin. I’d thought it was odd that the Ponies spoke  _ English,  _ or rather, American English in the first place, but even their writing seemed to be like a bastardized form of the Latin Alphabet. I wouldn’t doubt that the coin either said ‘For Peace and Harmony’ or ‘Tor B æ ue K æ nog’; shit was that fucked up. The digits, however, were close enough to the Arabic ones so that was nice. I still didn’t know how much any of the coins were worth, what they were called, and I didn't really have many places to hide the purses. Being caught with stolen goods usually counted the same as stealing in the first place, so I stuffed them into the coat of my jacket and ended that particular stroll, preferring to just go for a walk afterwards.

Granted the aliens were still weirding me out a bit and I might’ve been on a  _ different planet,  _ I was feeling a little more confident. I was sure that I’d just robbed two of the richest people in the small town, so I probably had enough money to make life suck a little less. With that in mind, I went to the big tree in the middle of town, also known as the Golden Oak Library. I don’t know what kind of tree it actually was, but it  _ sure as fuck _ wasn’t an oak. The arborial bastard honestly looked a weird combination of a redwood and a sugar maple, but I’m not exactly and tree-hugger or anything. There was a lot of time in between jobs and I just happened to read a book about trees one day because I was bored and tend to have nerdy hobbies when I don’t have shit to do. I might’ve been drunk, might’ve been sober. Don’t judge me. 

Anyway, even if the tree wasn’t an oak, I still had to take my happy arse inside so I could do me some book learnin’ before the liburry closed. I didn’t think it was necessary to knock since it was supposed to be a  _ library _ , so I opened the door and jolted along with the purple horse-woman I’d almost hit. “ _ Oh shite! _ Sorry about that, love,” I said quickly, not even giving myself a chance to think thoughts about her.

I failed. While she was still being surprised and tried to catch her breath, I noticed that her outfit was suitably nerdy for working at a library. There was a part of me that thought it was sexy, another part that hated the sweater-vest, and another that wanted to pratfall because she was the first I’d seen to have a fuckin’  _ horn.  _ None of the other horses had horns and the few that had the extra additions just had wings. Apparently there were at least three different kinds of them, but I liked the one I was seeing. She had a ‘Derp and cheddar’ kind of thing going on, like she was just a goofy kinda gal.

While I was taking her in, she smiled and chuckled. “We’re lucky I wasn’t a litt-” Her eyes widened and she cringed away from me. “ _ Rain-! _ ” I noticed that her gaze seemed more expressive than a Human’s but she obviously wasn’t wearing makeup or anything of the sort. Chick just had puppy-eyes.. 

I was wondering why she was cowering from me maybe a second after shouting about rain before I got tackled from behind and landed on her. A lot of things went through my mind as I was shoved into her over and,  _ completely  _ by accident, got an eyeful of the light purple and pink-striped panties she was wearing under her bi-toned skirt. If I’d been a little less lucky (Or a little more. She was pretty damn cute), I would have gotten a faceful of her privates. Either way, I was pinned down beneath someone surprisingly heavy for being so damn small, and that surprisingly heavy person was trying to rabbit punch me like a fucking coward until someone pulled her off of me.

“ _ Rainbow Dash! _ If ya don’t get a hold of yourself, I’ll beat ya  _ black  _ and blue! Assaultin’ a buckin’  _ stranger _ for no reason!” A pissed off, Southern American woman barked harshly.

“That’s the guy I was telling you about!”  _ Oh you gotta be- _ “Look! You can see the grass stains on his coat!” ‘Rainbow’ replied like a little pissant.

I wasn’t happy. I was rather  _ un _ happy, which is why I drew two of my throwing knives and got some space between Rainbow and myself before throwing one of them at her with a vengeance. “Fuck  **_off!_ ** ”

“ **_Bu-_ ** ” Rainbow cried, clutching her bleeding right arm. “ _ What the  _ **_buck_ ** _!? _ ”

I drew my dirk and roared, “ _ Leave me  _ **_the fuck_ ** _ alone before I slit your  _ **_Goddamn throat!_ ** ”

Rainbow backed up and her orange friend put herself between us. “Whoa, did you just  _ draw blood _ over  _ some punches!?”  _ She asked incredulously.

“All that pumped up, _half-witted,_ absolutely _spastic_ _thing_ has fucking done since we’ve met is be a _Goddamn_ cunt! _She_ crashes into _me_ , gets _mad_ when I try asking what the _fuck_ you all are, and then chases me _into the damn town!_ I was leaving a fucking _forest with trees everywhere!_ What kind of _shit-brained_ _dumbarse_ flies at _ridiculous speeds_ in a place where there are dense, hard, _potentially_ _lethal_ obstacles everywhere!? May I _mention_ that _she followed_ _me to town_ _while trying to_ ** _fight me!?_** The cunt is fuck-ing psy **chotic!** ” I replied, making sure to get my feelings across properly.

The orange woman looked at Rainbow, then back at me, then back at Rainbow. “... You know I believe him, right? Every word”

Rainbow flushed. “Hey! That  _ asshole _ just threw a knife at me!” She barked like the bitch she was as she pulled it out.

“And you been tryin’ to pummel this guy all day, makin’ me look around town with you.” She said, her tone kind of reminiscent of a stereotypical pissed off Mum who was done dealing with bullshit. “I ain’t sayin’ he was right to draw a knife, but  _ you  _ started this. Ain’t no doubt about it.”

“A-Applejack!  _ Where’s your loyalty!? _ ” Rainbow cried.  _ Applejack? I wonder if she has some I can buy off of her. I got money now. _

“This ain’t about  _ loyalty _ . This is about you bein’  _ bullheaded _ and gettin’ yourself hurt by somepony,”  _ Do you not have other races here?  _ “scarier than you, so just get outta here and go to the hospital. I’ll catch up to give a  _ real lecture _ .  _ Trust me _ .” Applejack ended harshly. 

Cornflower Cunt-  _ Rainbow Dash _ , I should say. I know her name, after all. She puffed out her chest and tried to be tough. “You’re  _ not  _ my  _ Mom!” _

The cowgirl gave her a ball-shriveling look. “ _ Go _ _. _ ”

“Right,” Runtbow Dunce squeaked, flying off faster than the laws of physics should’ve allowed.

I gaped for a second. “... Holy  _ shite _ … D-Did she just fly so fast she left a  _ rainbow trail!? _ ”

Applejack gave me the same look Lucille had given me the last time I’d seen her, which is to say I was about to be in deep shit. “I’m gonna ask ya once and only once:  _ Why are you here? _ And  _ don’t  _ lie to me.”

I pointed at the ground numbly. “Uh… I’m here… I’m at the book-place specifically so I can... Learn?” She furrowed her brow. “ _ I wanna learn, I swear! _ ” Her look got odd. “Uh… I promise, I’m hear to study up on this place. I’m… I don’t think I’m  _ from  _ this world.”  _ Please don’t hurt me. I bruise easy and you look tough. Nice arse tho- No. Not even a brain-flirt.  _ _ Shut up _ _. _

The purple woman gasped and startled me since I’d forgotten that she was there too. “Wait, are you saying that you’re an extra-equuestrial!? An honest to goodness  _ alien!? _ ”

I turned so I wouldn’t have to move my entire body to look at both of them as I put my knives away. “... Uh, yeah, as far as I know. I’m either an extra-what-you-said or an extra-dimensional person. I might just be having one _Hell_ of a fever, acid trip, or different drug kind journey, though, so let’s not rule that one out.” _Please let me sober up… Oh wait, it’s been like, three hours. No happening_

Applejack clicked her tongue. “The first thing ya do on a  _ new planet _ is get in a fight? What kinda alien…?”

I gave her a look, mentally exhausted as I was. “I _tried_ letting that little shit wear herself out by just dodging around her, but _she wouldn’t let enough be enough_. I mean, like, is she that way _all_ _the time?_ Are you not some kinda centaurs?”

The orange mare gave me a certain look. It was one of mild vexation with a spoonful of irritation. “She’s prettyy much always that way and I’ve never heard of a centaur. What are they?”

“Horse-people, but with-”

“ _ Excuse you? _ ” She raised her brows and folded her arms.

“... Torso of a Human and body of a four-legged equine…”

“... What?”

“That’s what a horse-person is… Y’know.. Besides…” I pointed at her  _ hooves _ . “I mean, is horse a slur here or something?”

“Yeah. Whorse is a slur.”

“... Do you not have ponies or donkeys either or…?”

“I’m a Pony. Rainbow’s a Pony. Twilight’s a Pony. Ain’t  _ none of us  _ whorses.”

“... You spell whorse with a ‘W’, don’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“I just spell it with an ‘H’.”

“... The buck is a ‘Haitch?”

“... I can’t really pronounce the letter with your accent. I don’t know how to do it.”

“Is it the one that comes before ‘I’?”

“Yeah! Horses are just animals on my planet. They can’t talk, pull wagons, carry people. Livestock stuff.”

“Ah, ya almost got decked. I’d keep that one out of your mouth as long as you’re in Equestria.”

“I’m in Equestria,” I said blankly. “Thanks for the info.” 

The purple one still looked kinda offended. “So you just didn’t know what it meant?”

“Pretty much… That’s kinda like having ‘Pony’ itself be a slur to me.”

“That’s fascinating!” Nerdy-but-cutie proclaimed. 

As I looked for the knife I threw at Rainbow, I hoped that she’d been nice enough to pull it out and drop it. She wasn’t.  _ Bitch stole my- Wait, I threw it at her and it landed. I’m not that mad.  _ “Yeah, and I’m really lost right now. Would you mind if I did some studying?”

The cowpony gave me a look. “I promise we will, but for now I’m sorry about Rainbow Dash… However, why did you throw a _ knife _ at her when Applejack pulled her off of you? It was  _ effectively over! _ ”

I turned to her. “It might be a cultural difference, but do you guys- Er,  _ gals _ , have hill-topping here?”

The purple horse-person tilted her head. “It means building a garish house on a hill to flaunt wealth, right?”

I looked at the stubby, thirteen-centimeter (Give or take) horn on her head and wondered if it was made of bone. A large part of me wanted to touch it. A smaller part wanted to lick it. “Nah, I’ve never heard of that, per se. In the streets of my country, hill-topping is effectively shoving someone off of their high-horse with a show of force. If you’re nice like me, you fuck up the person who messed with you. If you’re a proper fuckhole-arsewipe, you lay out their family and cripple them for life.”

Her jaw dropped and she started backing away slowly, so I took a step away from her and raised my hands just before Applejack grabbed my arm. “You ain’t thinkin’ a’ goin’ after Rainbow’s family, are ya?”

“Thanks for calling me a fuckhole-arsewipe,” I replied blandly. “So what? I can’t  _ accidentally  _ insult, but you can call me whatever?” Applejack popped her knuckles on her spare hand and I realized where I was in the natural order as my arm felt like it was being  _ crushed _ . “... I’m letting it die here and now as long as she leaves me the fuck alone. Stop flexing on me. I didn’t want to deal with abrasive arse anyway.” I replied honestly, looking at her hand. “Mind taking that  _ off of me? _ I know you’re not trying to feel my muscles because they’re barely there.” 

She squeezed hard enough to make it hurt even more and I hissed through my teeth. Applejack let me go and I gave her a dirty look. “Hmm? What-”

“The  _ fuck was that for? _ Didn’t you  _ just say _ the shit was over?”

The cowgirl tilted her head at me, her brows furrowed. “I didn’t squeeze ya that hard, Sugarcube. Wouldn’t have done much more than bruise an apple.”

I rolled up my sleeve to see that yellow bruises were already forming where her fingers had been. “Yeah, those are bruises but I’m not a fuckin’ apple.”

Applejack gave me a confused look. “I know you’re tellin’ the truth, but that don’t any make sense...”

The purple one gasped again, but before she could speak, I asked, “Oi, are you Twilight Sparkle? Brilliant mind, little bit quiet, usually sweet?”

She blinked. “Oh. Yes, that’s me.”

I gave her a smile, rubbing my aching arm. “Just the gal I was looking for, then. Everyone I talked to in town said you were the one to come to for information on history and modern culture.”

“That’s right. Twilight’s the smartest  _ Pony _ in town, let alone the smartest mare between here and Gryphonia. And for the record, she’s not-” Applejack started.

“Yeah, yeah, you’re not horse-people, I get it.” I rolled my eyes. “Ponies, right?”

Twilight Sparkle blushed. “Yes, we  _ are  _ Ponies and… The modest side of me wants to deny what Applejack said, but my test scores don’t lie…”

I chuckled. “There's no problem in taking pride in your talents and all that. As long as you don’t start showboating or bragging without anyone asking, you’ll probably be fine.”

Twilight wasn’t quite sold. “W-Well, why don’t we do something that we could both benefit from?” She asked.

I held a hand to my chest and gasped. “Why I  _ never! _ To think you would be  _ so forward  _ with your  _ devious  _ intentions! You would ask a  _ stranger  _ for  _ mutual benefits!? _ ”

The librarian sputtered and choked before coughing up a lung while her ‘friend’ stifled giggles and tried to disguise them as coughs. “I-I-I was- wasn’t- I don’t-  _ I’ve never even done that sort of stuff before! _ ” The horned one protested.

Applejack gave up and lost her shit while I wore the straightest face I could conjure up. “All the more reason for you to try and  _ seduce me _ .”

Twilight turned cherry red and I  _ swear to God _ steam came out of her ears in little rings. “I…  _ Oh dear Celestia _ .” She promptly fainted and I raced to catch her, but when I got my arms around he, I had to planet my foot on the ground,  _ struggling  _ to hold her up. 

Keep in mind that Twilight wasn’t much taller than Rainbow and had a good deal less muscle mass that the other woman. “Holy  _ fuck! _ Why are you people  _ so damn heavy!? _ ”

Applejack came over and scooped her up casually. “Sugarcube, from what I done seen so far, ya might wanna stay on your average Pony’s good side. It’s lookin’ like you’re awful frail compared to us.”

I rubbed the back of my head, feeling the knots on my noggin. “Yeah, you’re tellin’ me. I think the only chance I really have is to stick and move since you guys don’t seem to do too well with maneuverability.” 

“I’d like ya  _ better _ iffin’ ya didn’t do it  _ at all _ .” Applejack sounded like a big sister again as she carried Twilight further into the Treebrary.

I scratched my head in the smallish lobby-like area before picking my jacket up off of the ground and following her lead. I’d left it on the floor after the fall since I’d only stashed one of the coin purses in a location that I’m not going to write down. After grabbing my shit, I followed Applejack and saw her trying to rouse Twilight from her ‘slumber’. She tried patting her cheek, tickling her, and playing with her nose, but Twilight was dead to rights. I came over and watched Applejack try a few more things before she put on her thinking cap and brainstormed away. Meanwhile, with me being an arse for a second, gave her two wet willies at the same time and she bolted awake

“Gah! Why are my ears wet!?” Twilight cried, pawing at them.

I frowned so I wouldn’t smile and Applejack gave me a dirty look. “It was Alien-boy. I don’t know where he got the water from, but I’m  _ sure  _ he won’t do it again.”

I cracked a shit-eating grin. “Not for the next few days, no.”

Applebottom’s look turned into a deadpan one. “I’ll give ya a pass this one time, but you should know that touchin’ a Pony’s ear is like grabbin’ a mare’s boob.”

“Wait, are you telling me I could've copped-” Applejack gave me a womanly look. Like, I’m pretty sure that look had ovaries... “ _ Copped out at any time? _ Thanks for the heads up.”

“Is that really what you were gonna say?” Applejack asked, completely unamused.

Twilight blushed as I said, “No, but why make trouble? I saw the look you gave me. It wasn’t worth pissing you off and getting hurt over a _ joke _ .” I scoffed. “I might be foolhardy, but I’m not  _ an actual idiot. _ ”

The cowgirl nodded. “Ya might be a touch dangerous, but I get a decent feelin’ from ya. Might be a bit of a deviant with some of that language ya use, but ya don’t seem like a bad sort.”

Twilight huffed. “That’s easy for you to say! He most likely used saliva to wet his fingers!” She shivered and tried to clean her ears out some more.

I tried to keep a straight face while Applejack was glaring at me. “That’s just  _ nasty. _ ”

“Ever give a blowjob?” I asked, trying not to giggle my arse off.

Applejack coloured. “That ain’t none a’ your business!”

“It’s considerably nastier than putting wet fingers in someone’s ears. Hell, kissing is even worse! You’re getting  _ someone else’s spit _ in  _ your mouth! _ ”  _ Please take the bait. It’s well laid. _

Twilight turned a bit green. “That does make sense in a certain way…”  _ Score! _

Applejack glanced at her and gave me another look. “Why do ya gotta make things awkward?”

“I’m not from this  _ country _ , let alone this  _ planet _ , love. It’s not like I’m being extra weird or anything. It’s just how I react to being kidnapped from my home, being surrounded by crazy coloured horse-people, and-”

“ _ Colt. _ ” Cowpony’s voice went flat, giving me a fucked up look.

I gave her a questioning one. “Crazy-coloured  _ Ponies _ . I meant  _ Ponies. _ ”

Twilight cleared her throat. “Applejack, he’s still unused to that word being a slur… Um… What’s your name, Mister... Alien?”

“Maximus, but most people call me Max if they want me to like them,” I replied easily.

Applejack narrowed her eyes at me. “That  _ ain’t true _ . That’s a flat out _ lie _ .”

I tilted my head at her again. “It’s a pseudonym or a moniker. A nickname, basically. A lot of Humans go by nicknames or pseudonyms. Sometimes it takes us years to learn someone else’s real name, and depending on when you cop a second name you might never hear your real name until you tell it to someone. I don’t like any of my names and I try not to ue them as often as possible because I hate what they’re associated with.”  _ All true, bitch. A fucktonne of authors and artists have pseudonyms, and it might take you years to meet up with someone you found online. Plus, I really do hate Ignatius and Kaid as names. Fuck you. _

“Ah. I guess that makes sense. So what’s your  _ real _ name? Or at least  _ one _ of them.” The Stetson-wearing, especially sexy one asked. I didn’t even really care for her accent, she just rubbed me the right way. Except for the arm thing.

“If I wanted you to know, I would’ve told you instead of giving you my favourite nickname,” I replied softly. “There’s no reason to call me anything else unless you-”

“I ain’t callin’ ya by a fake name.” She huffed. 

I steepled my fingers and narrowed my eyes at her. “What gives a name  _ credence _ , Applejack? What gives it  _ power? _ It’s not the letters themselves that make up the word; it’s just a  _ random noise _ that you use to get someone’s attention. People have the same names where I’m from. I know multiple Johns, Tims, and Erics of various spelling so what does a name  _ really mean? _ It’s the person who responds to the name that gives it any legitimacy. I don’t really care if you don’t want to call me Max because you can just give me  _ another name  _ to add to my collection. I  _ like _ personalized nicknames, and I’m  _ alive _ because of pseudonyms. If you don’t want to call me by the one  _ I’m giving you _ , then you’re welcome to come up with your own. I don’t mind as long as it’s not an insult to my intelligence.”

I got stared at by both of them. Twilight opened her mouth and said, “That… Applejack. You just got intellectually  _ owned… _

The orange one got a ruddy tint to her cheeks that I found cute. Call me a sucker, call me whatever; I was hoping to get some shag in the future, and I’m not talking about carpet. “So what? If I suddenly ask a to start callin’ me...  _ Sour Apple _ or somethin’, you’d do it?”

“If that’s what you want to be called, then yes. It’s not that weird, Applebottom, you’re just overthinking it.”

“Applebot-” She blushed harder and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Does that mean what I think it does?”

“... It’s a song reference?”  _ Which it is. _

“Oh. Sorry, I guess.”

Twilight cleared her throat, looking between us. “... A lot of Equestrian authors don’t use their real names when they write, so it’s kind of like your planet is full of ponies that feel the same way in their day-to-day lives. Are there any occasions when you have to use your real name?”

“Yeah. Traveling to other countries, legal documentation, birth certificates; stuff like that.” I replied, putting a foot into the grave.

Twilight Sparkles eyes lit up and gleamed strangely, and I do mean there was a literal light in her eyes. It was as freaky and anime as the steam thing. It was evidently enough to convince Applejack to leave. “Alright, I’m out. I’ll see ya later, Twi. Keep outta trouble, Max.”

Twilight waved her off and I gave her a dirty look. “Go away, Blondie.”

“Are ya callin’ me Blondie because my mane looks like a blondie?”

“Wait, you mean the not-brownie?”

“Yeah.” 

“No, it’s because your hair is blonde.” I replied.

“... I don’t got hair, Human. I don’t think I know what that is.”

I twirled one of my own overgrown locks. “I have hair on my head. I’m guessing you guys have fur on your heads instead of hair?”

Twilight nodded. “That’s true, but we’re also covered in fur. Aren’t you?”

I chuckled at that and looked at my meager, barely existent arm-hair. “Nah, not quite. Humans dropped our fur hundreds of thousands of years ago.”

Twilight’s jaw dropped. “Y-You mean that your people have been around since the  _ beginning of time!? _ ”

I couldn’t understand how she’d jumped to that conclusion. I really couldn’t. “...  _ No…  _ Just…  _ No. _ There were prehistoric animals long before mankind ruled the planet, and before that there was primordial ooze. Keep in mind that Earth, my planet, is  _ billions  _ of years old. Humans are barely a second on the clock as far as we could tell.”

“ _ Cheese on a cracker and bread for a bagel _ ; I’ll be darned,” Applejack murmured.

Twilight gaped. “... Your world’s mages found a way to  _ accurately date  _ your planet?”

“... Bitch, did- did you just say  _ ‘mages’? _ ” I asked, my voice a little higher than it should have been.

Applejack raised her chin. “What does that-”

The librarian paled and spoke over her friend. “You- You do have mages,  _ right? _ ”

“... Love,  _ Magic ain’t real. _ Not on Earth,” I said extra slowly.

“...  _ Your planet operates without magic? _ ” Twilight breathed.

“Your planet  _ has magic? _ ” I replied just as breathlessly.

“... Yeah, no, I’m gonna go before the alien spews  _ goo  _ everywhere. Twilight, don’t grill 

him too hard. Human,  _ don’t mess with Twilight _ .” Applejack gave me a stern look.

I raised a brow at her. “Oh, I’m gonna mess with her. Lavender is definitely Twilight’s colour.”

Applejack and Twilight examined her dark red and mauve skirt, her periwinkle/light blue sweater-vest, and her off-white blouse. “Uh, Sugarcube? Twilight ain’t wearin’ purple.”

I just laughed when Twilight gripped the hem of her skirt, blushing furiously. “Oh, Twilight and I both know that  _ she is _ .”

The cowgirl gave me a funny look before it hit her. “Alright,  _ pervert- _ ”

“Oi! _ It was Rainbow Dash’s fault!  _ When she plowed into me, I knocked Twilight over and there was an event that I can’t say I regret besides getting punched in the back of the head.”

Applejack gave me a dirty look. “Keep your eyes above the collar and your thoughts to yourself, will ya?”

“What fun would that be?” I scoffed.

“It’ll be more fun than me kickin’ your can all over town for messin’ with one a’ the nicest 

ponies you’ll ever meet.” She replied, her tone dipping.

I shot her a glare of my own. “It’s not like I’m doing it to make anyone feel bad, so get off my back. If I start outright insulting people or spreading embarrassing secrets, then yeah, you got some kinda point. Until then, you’re just threatening an alien with no ill will of his own.”

Her gaze softened. “Fair enough, I guess. I still want ya ta tone it down for Twilight. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.”

I looked at Applejack, then at Twilight who was giving me a pensive look. “Oi, Twilight. I’ll lay off for a little while, but if I slip up just let me know and I’ll try to rein it in.”

The librarian gave me a small smile. “I’d appreciate that. It’s embarrassing to have a stranger see…  _ That sort of thing _ …”  _ At least it was good for me. Neither of you can read minds… Right? _

__ “I understand, and I’ll probably play Eraser later anyway to forget how  _ weird  _ today’s been…” I scratched my head while I got a weird look. Applejack was already leaving after having heard my answer, so I was stuck with the horned one. “... So do you wanna answer a few questions; go back and forth for a little while?” I asked.

“Well, I wouldn’t mind answering your questions first, though I do have to ask how long you’ve been here.” Twilight said as Applejack closed the front door.

“Uh… Earlier today, I guess. I got out of some jungle-forest with some help from this super big,  _ super gay _ river-serpent named Steven Magnet. The guy’s actually pretty cool, which reminds me that I have to go find someone named Rarity and give her this gold crown thing. Stephen sent me off with it as a pay-back for the ride to the edge of the forest so I kinda gotta give it to the lady. I’d find a buyer for it myself and keep the profit, but that’s not how you treat someone who shows you kindness, yeah?”

Twilight gave me an odd look. “Did… Did you really consider stealing  _ someone’s gift _ for your  _ own gain? _ ”

I gave her a look. “Oi, don’t pretend like you wouldn’t give it  _ a little _ thought. I mean, the crown isn’t the purest gold that’s passed through my hands, but I’m pretty sure that gold is worth something wherever you go.”

“... Max, I can  _ honestly _ say that stealing someone’s gift… It wouldn’t cross my mind unless it was an ancient, unheard of tome, and even then I’d rather ask to have a turn with it than take it for myself.”

I rolled my eyes. “Okay, so you’re morally sound and I’m a little sketchy. I fully intend on holding up my end of the bargain so don't worry about that, okay?”

“... Why don’t you go grab that crown and I’ll have Rarity come over to pick it up?” Twilight said uneasily.

I folded my arms and gave her an amused smile. “Why don’t you just tell me were to find her so I can give it to her without her having to make the trip? I know it’s  _ her  _ present, but I’m the courier. That’s like having to go to the post office to get your mail.”

She still seemed a little anxious. “Promise you won’t keep it?”

I gave her a look. “How old are you again?”

“You’re not really supposed to ask a mare her age.” Twilight frowned.

“I’m not?” I asked, feigning surprise.

“Most ponies can tell just by looking anyway.”

“That’s weird. Sure, you can get a rough estimate with humans, but it’s not like we know the exact number.”

“I guess it might be a magical thing then. You’re twenty, right?” Twilight asked.

“... Yeah, that’s weird,” I said, nodding.

“If it makes you feel any better, I’m not that much older than you,” She offered.

“You’re older than me? I could’ve sworn that you were a year or two younger than me, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that the colorful hor-  _ Ponies _ . Ponies show their age differently.” I grimaced.

Twilight gave me a low-power glare. I think she might have been trying to make me feel bad. “You really need to clean up your language, but it’s good that you’re trying.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yes mummy, I’ll swear less. Or some shit like that.”

“You’re being kind of rude.” Twilight’s irritation laced her voice.

“Twilight, the last person I had to answer to  _ killed people _ for stepping onto the wrong street at the wrong time. I don’t  _ like  _ being told what to do, so I tend to listen when my life is in danger. Or if good advice is tossed my way. Don’t microwave eggs in the shells, by the way.”

“... Max, what even  _ was  _ your world?” She seemed scared of me, and it wasn’t because of exploding poultry products. “You… You just talked about working for someone who  _ kills ponies! _ ”

I gave Twilight a ‘Bitch please’ kinda look. “Twilight, it’s not like I had much of a choice. When Savage Sagiano calls, you answer or you don’t get a second chance to ignore him. I’ve never killed anyone myself, but I’ve been present for a few of his ‘examples’, and that was enough to keep me under his thumb.” I shook my head, the memories of the Pint n’ Pounds still ripe in my mind, despite those particular crimes happening five years ago. It was less of a ‘pound’ and more of a ‘ten quid’ kinda deal. Lot of blood was spilled, many lessons were learned. Like that I don’t want to get fucked up.

“... O _ kay. _ ” Twilight rubbed her temples. “... So what did you do that made you useful to a terrible pony like that?”

“I’m good at getting stuff that I have no business getting. That’s all I’m going to say on that.”

“Okay, but you’re  _ not  _ a  _ murderer? _ ”

“No, I don’t really have the heart to kill someone in cold-blood. Sure, if someone pushes me for months and months, then it’s a different story. I’ve never technically killed anyone.” 

Twilight paled. “T- _ Technically _ ?”

“Well, I let someone die, but they were knocking on their own gravestone because of their own choices. The junkie just wanted to stay high, no matter what it was doing to their body.” I held back a sigh and shook my head. Bad times, bad people, bad mother. None worth remembering. “... They killed  _ themselves _ . I just didn’t feel obligated to stop them.”

“... You’re… You’re a  _ monster. _ ” Twilight murmured.

“Twilight, that person let… Well,  _ all  _ of those people basically  _ tortured me.  _ Embers and cherries from stogies put out on my skin, getting beaten when I didn’t get something fast enough, not…  _ Servicing,  _ well enough… Hell, those people did things to me I’ll probably never talk about, and I was  _ eleven.  _ It’s not worth your day to worry about dead people anyway.”  _ And Babs was the worst one of the bunch. Shot me up once or twice to make me stop crying. Learned to hold it in after the first round of narcan. _

She covered her mouth and stared at me, her eyes watering. “Dear Celestia… I… Max, you either _ beat a truth spell  _ or you’re one of the _ strongest ponies I’ve ever met. _ ”

I glared at her. “... It’s in the past. Get over it. I did.”

“That’s not true,” she said softly, her horn glowing weakly.

“Are you seriously using magic right now? How does that work?” My interest in magic heavily outweighed my interest in my past.  _ Holy hell, that’s pretty cool. Could be useful if I can learn it.  _ “How do I-”

“Max, I don’t know anything about Humans, but…  _ Normal ponies  _ don’t just go through something like that and come out  _ okay _ . I think-”

“ _ I think  _ you should keep what I just told you to yourself and your opinions on the matter in the same space. Like I said; the past is the past. The present matters more than anything else.” I interrupted.

“... If that’s what you want, then I’ll… I’ll keep it to myself… Are you  _ sure  _ you don’t want to talk about it?”

“I’m rather certain I’d rather be focusing on the here and now than be haunted by my past, yes.” I said dryly. “Are all you Ponies this friendly and compassionate?”

Twilight gave me a small smile that seemed to be tinged with something akin to pride, though I think it was admiration. “Well, we largely are but…” She shook her head. “I guess moving forward is the best way to deal with it. I may not think that you’re the nicest pony, but you  _ are  _ tough.” 

I might have blushed a bit, but I don’t know why. “Whatever, Purps. Can we just start the cultural exchange?”

“Purps?”

“Purps. Purples. Your coat is purple, your hair is purple, and your eyes are purple. Purps.” I explained.

“That’s actually kind of obvious now that I think about it,” She muttered.

“Isn’t it though? The best nicknames often are.”

Twilight agreed with me on that one, but she still insisted that I go and retrieve Rarity’s crown from where I’d left it,so I did just that and we got started on learning as much as we could about each other’s planet. First things first; I don’t have magic. That  _ sucks.  _ The  _ fuck  _ is the point of being on a planet with magic if I  _ can’t even use it!?  _ Anyway, since I already know all the shit about Earth, I’ll go ahead and say that Twilight was a veritable _ lake _ of information. Everything from high magic to basic levitation spells, not-that-ancient history to modern day, and pretty much every little cultural celebration that the Ponies had; the little nerd was sure to fill me in on the broad details. I forgot  _ a lot,  _ and she wasn’t  _ anywhere  _ close to being done. Twilight made sure to mind flood me as hard as possible, breaking down dams on either side of a town in a valley, drowning the populace (My brain cells) with information that could have been vital. Or most of it was pointless. 

Either way, I learned a lot and retained a bit when we finished. It was around sunset and Twilight asked me if I had a place to stay since I’d just come into town. I’d told her no since it was the truth, thinking that she was going to point me to an inn or something. The  _ crazy woman _ offered to let me  _ stay in one of her guest rooms.  _ The crazy part? The part that made her  _ insane?  _ There wasn’t an end date. She seemed happy enough to have me in her house, which… Well, even then I planned on leaving when I could find a steady job and start making my own money. The thing that bothered me was the sheer amount of trust she was putting in an  _ Alien stranger. _

Don't get me wrong. I try to be a decent guy outside of my job. Yeah, I go diving and steal shit, but I don’t fuck people over who show me kindness and the woman was doing me one  _ helluva  _ favor… I mean… Who  _ does that? _ Twilight Sparkle apparently… Anyway, when the sun was about to fall below the horizon and the moon was on the rise, Twilight’s little brother, a Dragon named Spike, came home from running some errands for his big sister. Yes, there was a Dragon. Yes, it was  _ a.  _ _ Dragon _ . No, he was no scary in the  _ slightest.  _

He seemed like a good kid from what I could tell, but I was mostly shocked by the fact that there was a fucking **_Dragon_** within roasting distance and he wasn’t doing anything... _Dragony_. The short little guy actually put on the most feminine apron I’d ever seen and started cooking dinner after we introduced ourselves. He didn’t really have much to say to me, but it’s not like the guy was rude about it. Kid probably just had a long day and wanted to eat and go to bed so I helped him out with food prep, but there wasn’t much for me to do. When the three of us sat down for dinner, I surveyed my plate and ate the boiled spinach. That was it. That was the only thing on the plate that I could eat. The rest of it was flowers and raw hay, which were not things the Human stomach likes to ingest.

Twilight noticed that I stopped eating after getting the spinach off my plate and asked, “Is something wrong, Max?”

“Humans can’t really eat...  _ flowers or hay... _ ” I chuckled awkwardly.  _ How the fuck is the Dragon not eating her alive? Or me. I’d probably be- Nah, don’t think about that. _ “The spinach was good, though. Could’ve used some salt, but it was tasty.”

Twilight eyes widened. “... You’re a  _ salt addict? _ ”

I furrowed my brow and gave her a questioning look. “ _ What? _ How do you get  _ addicted _ to  _ salt?” _

“That might be a story for another time, but… Salt doesn’t affect you? At all?” She asked.

“It tastes good if you don’t use too much, that’s about it. A high sodium diet will mess with your kidneys, but that’s only if you go overboard every meal,” I explained.

“That’s so interesting! So what plants can you eat?”

“If the food is made of the same stuff as it is on Earth, then I can eat a lot of fruits, veggies, berries, and legumes, but I’m probably gonna need to find a place that sells meat. I don’t imagine that you guys have dietary supplements since you’re evidently herbivores anyway.”

Twilight stared at me for a long moment. “... You eat  _ other creatures? _ ”

“That’s what  _ omnivores  _ tend to do,” I said slowly. “What? You don’t think I’m just going to up and try to  _ bite you or something, _ do you?”

“Ah-ha-ha. Ah-ha. Haaa…” Twilight made those noises. “W-Well…”

“... Wow, that’s… That’s  _ kinda fucked up _ , Twilight. And rather  _ racist.. _ .” I added, staring at her.

She coloured and rubbed her cheek, looking away. “W-Well… I… You have to  _ kill  _ something to eat it, Max...”

“Yeah... If a human eats raw meat, they’ll probably  _ die. _ ”

That piqued her interest. “Wait, how do you hunt for food?”

I shook my head. “Humans didn’t really have to hunt if they didn’t want to when I left Earth. At least, not in most places.”

“... I’m lost.” Spike said. “I mean, I used to eat fish all the time, so what’s the big idea?”

“That’s different,” Twilight said quickly.

“How?” Spike and I asked in unison with polar levels of irritation.

“It-It just is, okay?” Twilight said, discomfort on her face.

I looked at Spike. “Why’d you stop eating fish, anyway? Aren’t Dragon purely carnivores?”

“I dunno. I’ve never met another one and finding books about Dragons is hard because they tend to keep their secrets  _ really  _ secret.” Spike sighed.

I gave him a lopsided grin. “Oi, we’ll find another Dragon to tell you about Dragon stuff sometime, yeah? It never hurts to know your roots.”  _ And if you like me you won’t eat me. Wait, you wouldn’t eat me now… Kinda lame, bruv. _

“Spike was hatched in Canterlot. His roots are Equestrian.” Twilight said, steel entering her voice for the first time since I’d met her.

I gave her a look but acquiesced nonetheless. “Whatever you say, Purps.” I winked at Spike and he turned his frown into a hopeful smile.

That was about it for dinner since we were finishing up anyway, and with that out of the way, Twilight welcomed me to read a stack of books she’d collected on Equestrian laws and traditions, all of which were so full of pusillanimous blurbs of sissy bullshit, I was confident that I could take most of the country over by being  _ kinda  _ mean. If I didn’t get fucked up for being squishy, of course. I’d probably get stopped before I got too far one way or the other, but Pony Philosophy books…  _ Stupid. _ Point-Blank. My studies took me a fair bit into the night, but I’ve always been an owl of sorts. Right now, I’m just chronicling what I remember in the blank book Twilight gave me for the sake of keeping a record of my experiences, and I’ve gotta say that I’m kinda digging it. It’s a fun little pastime that keeps my hands from aching and catches my attention more so than the opportunity for a solo stroll. Eh. Anyway, I’ll end this one here and try to get some sleep. Day one is done. 

Now I just need to figure out how the  _ fuck  _ I got here… 

Well… Realistically… I probably  _died_ from … Wouldn’t surprise me... Shit, maybe if everyone else is as nice as Twilight it might just be better to stay here... 


	3. A Glimpse

Life had gone from better to sucking eggs rather quickly and it wasn't because I'd done something to make it suck. I got bumrushed by something fast, blue, and just about as bony as I was, so I didn't find much of the ride to be pleasant. Skidding across the ground was terrible and ruined my jacket as I later found out, but I was mostly, definitely pissed about being ridden like I was some kind of scooter that you play with at school. It wasn't fun, the cunt on top of me was heavy, and life was, again, sucking a fat pair of eggs that cracked in my mouth and left me with yolk in my gob. There wasn't much I could do about it until said person sliding on me got off, and _she_ didn't apparently seem to be in any hurry to do so. My arms were pinned beneath her legs, my back was firmly planted in the ground, and when we actually came to a stop, she had the gall to breathe a sigh of relief. _While still on top of me._

I opened my eyes and glared up at the blue-painted _Furry-wannabe_ _cunt_ that had crashed into me and ridden me in the least fun way I’ve ever experienced. “Whoa, total wipeout! Are you okay, dude?”

“G _ et the fuck off! _ ” I grunted so saltily I could’ve attracted game or livestock. Little did I  _ fucking know _ . 

_ She _ got off with and said, “Wow. Don’t have to be a douche about it, dude.”  _ Bitch, you can’t be serious. You cereally cannot be serious right now. _

“You fuckin’  _ Furry-cock-suckin’ _ ditch rat! The  _ fuck  _ did you  _ tackle me for!?  _ _ Seriously _ _!?”  _ I was channeling my inner Dragon, Outraged Pokemon-style as I got to my feet.

“I didn’t do it  _ on purpose! _ You should have gotten out of the way!” The dumbarse barked back.

“Woman- You gotta be takin’ the piss… with me…” She’d spread her wings as I spoke, the  _ obviously not fake  _ things making my voice die in my throat. “...  _ Christ…” _

__ She looked at my confused face, seeming pretty bewildered herself. “... You good?”

“... Those are  _ wings. _ ”   


“Yeah, I was flying. You kinda need wings to do that most of the time.”

I stared at her head because her  _ horse ears  _ flicked from time to time. “... Holy shit.  _ Holy shit… _ I’m not on drugs. I am  _ not on drugs! _ ”

Her demeanor seemed to shift from irritated to cautious. “... I repeat; You good?”

“ _ What. The.  _ _ Fuck _ _. _ ” I backed away from her.

“That’s kinda  _ rude… _ ”

“ _ The fuck are you!? _ ”

“... A Pegasus?”

“Four-  _ legs- Horse! Pegahorse! Gah fuck!”  _ I fell back, no longer so much as irritated.

“... Did you just call me a horse?”

“...  _ I have to be on drugs. _ ” I murmured. “God, these are some  _ really strong drugs. _ ” And it fit my situation. First the flaming River Beast-Serpent thing, then the  _ blue horse-woman. _

“I really hope you are because that gives you  _ half  _ a reason to call somepony a horse.”

I just stared for a second. “... You’re not a horse-person? Er, like, a  _ centaur? _ ”

“... I don’t know what ‘person’ means, but I heard ‘horse’ again. Keep it up, bud,” she growled, “I’ll show you a  _ horse. _ ”

“... What…  _ What  _ _ are you _ ?”

“ _ A. Pegasus. _ What the buck are  _ you? _ Where even  _ are  _ your ears,  _ shrimp-dick _ ?” I would’ve replied to that if I wasn’t shocked, but I just moved my hair and showed her. “... Oh.”

__ “So you’re… You’re not a horse…?”

“Why do you keep  _ insulting me? _ ” Her brow furrowed and she took a step toward me. 

__

“... I’m not. I don’t have to. I’m not going to.” I got to my feet.  _ Kaid, are you gonna deal with this? No, Kaid, I’m gonna find some water, see if I still have that half-G on me, and then try to smoke it. This… This is too intense to be Lucy.  _ “Goodbye, farewell, and good flying magic-horse-woman-creature-thing. Please don’t hurt me while I-” And thus I yeeted myself away when she started toward me.

I tried running.  _ I really did _ . I’d usually consider myself a fast little fucker, but I didn’t have  _ wings. _ She  _ flew  _ and caught up with me in less than five full seconds which really, truly sucked. The only reason I’d dodged her first attack was because I’d looked over my shoulder, so I considered myself lucky and decided to try and Dark Souls her arse toward the town I’d been trying to get to in the first place. By that I mean I circle-strafed her and dodged her blows when they came since she wasn’t really trying to hurt me, just get some licks in. However, I had a bad feeling about getting hit by an alien/mutant/abomination and spent my time  _ not  _ getting hurt. I stumbled over knots and rocks in the soil from time to time, but I was making good headway.

It was a slow process since I was practically playing matador with the rainbow-haired  _ Pega-person _ , but when I got her into town, I fucking cut the bullshit after crossing her up so bad she fell face first into a cobblestone wall. With that sorted out and her just about loopy as shit, I beat feet like the heat was on and did the thing I do best; run and hide. Well, I technically break into places, but I tend to run and hide while I’m inside so… You know what? I’m just a regular Jack of all Trades when it comes to the thiefy bits. I bolted and left the Pegasus-thing where she was and started ducking down alleys until I came out on the other side of town, which was a picturesque place to be. The rolling hills held patches of different flowers and I knew that I saw some tasty looking sunflowers off in a patch of its own. I love me some sunflower seeds, but what I was more worried about was getting caught and having to fight someone who was probably only like, five feet tall give or take. It would’ve reflected poorly on me if I’d up and stomped her face in, but it would’ve been worse if I’d gotten my shit kicked in like I thought I would. I let it go for the time being and traveled through the town solo after taking my jacket off and letting my hair down. 

Once I’d gotten rid of my man-ribbon tied around my wrist, I debated losing it because it reminded me of Babs and wondered why I’d even brought it. Granted, I hadn’t chosen any of the things I’d worn, but I hated the thing anyway and hated  _ Babs _ more than anyone else in my entire twenty years. With a note of finality and a hope of getting rid of the reminder, decided to give it to some short horse-girl that was probably a kid and got to stepping. I spent a couple minutes just walking aimlessly, looking for marks that I could stroll past up until I actually saw the blue one talking animatedly to some pastel-orange horse-person. I’d seen a lot of horse-people in a lot of colours and the new one was… Actually  _ kinda hot… _ She wore an American cowboy-hat and had blonde hair, which was like a breath of fresh air among the colour-vomit of the other hybrids/aliens. I took a moment to look at the fucking _ tail  _ she had because I hadn't noticed it on the crash-course-cunt, and I’ll admit my eyes did wander a little bit. For a horse-thing she had a  _ great arse _ that I would have loved to get a handful of at some point. Yes, I have dirty thoughts, but that’s because my blood is red and I’m a male of my species. Even if she was a Furry’s dream partner, she was still an alien and  _ xenophilia is not wrong _ . Being a _ Furry  _ is wrong, but  _ xenophilia  _ is sexy. Just ask Captain Kirk or Yoda. I’m pretty sure Yoda got laid at some point.

I didn’t let my eyes linger too long after I’d seen her face and kept walking around since I didn’t have much else to do. As I was strolling along, I ended up at the big, important looking building that I assumed was Town Hall or something akin to it. With nothing else to do, I considered going inside and had a few people stop and talk to me. The conversations ususally ranged from, ‘Are you new to town?’ to ‘I’ve never seen you before!” and I responded in kind. Even if I was weirded out by the aliens there still wasn’t a reason to be rude to people who’d done nothing to me. A lot of the people I’d talked to didn’t seem to notice I was one of them, but after the last, _green as_ _fuck_ one finished with their inquiries, I decided to take an active role in learning stuff. Call it my kitty-curiosity.

I stopped a local and asked if I was allowed to go inside and. The horse-woman gave me an odd look. “Sweetheart, why wouldn’t you be allowed in?”  _ Holy fuck! _

I shrugged, struggling to not let my gaze dip below her lips. “Where I’m from you only go to the Courthouse if  _ you’re _ in trouble or if someone you know is.”

The woman gave me a questioning look. “Are you from Bridleland or Scotchland? Your accent is very distinct.”  _ You’ve never heard a blooded Ginger talk, have you? _

“Neither, actually. I’m from Swindon, England. In the Wiltshire area.” I replied truthfully, a slight hope in my heart.

“Oh? I’ve never heard of England.” She said.  _ Fuck me. Fuck me sideways with a boo- Barnacle! I mean barnacle! _ “It’s not like I look at atlas’ all day, though.”

It was a struggle to not look when she crossed her arms. The effort I put forth should have gotten me paid. “Eh, it’s probably not on any map you’ll find here, I’m guessing. It was nice meeting you Miss…?”

“I’m the local Milk-Mare, Milky Way,” The blue haired woman said pleasantly.

I extended a hand and she shook it.  _ Fake name fake name fake name-  _ “Name’s Maximus, but most people I like call me Max.” I gave her a little smirk.  _ Maxwell, if your name get me killed, I’m plugging your arse. _

Milky Way smiled and folded her arms the opposite way, tempting me beyond levels a man shouldn’t be able to reach. I’m not even a breast man, but the poor thing’s massive mammaries had me making sure that I thought of more morbid moments. They had to be G-cups at  _ least.  _ “That’s a unique name. I’d love to talk to you some more, but I still have some errands to run.” She smiled apologetically.

I gave her an easy grin. “It’s been a pleasure, Milky Way.”

She giggled and flapped a hand at me. “Oh please, Milky will do just fine.”

“Milky then. I hope our paths cross again.” _ And I kinda hope you make the milk... Nah, that’d be gross. And taxing, I guess. _

Milky gave me a smile and we went our separate ways, though I didn’t end up going inside of the Town Hall. Instead, I asked around and found out that there was a library in town, which was probably going to be my best bet for gathering info regarding the world I found myself on. With a destination in mind, I had places to go and a librarian named ‘Twilight Sparkle’ to visit, so I got to stepping. After a while of nothing but walking an ignoring my problems, my left hand flew to my back pocket and my right to my chest. My ring and wallet were still where they were supposed to be, and in a  _ rare _ moment of weakness, I allowed myself to dip into a back alley and take the necklace off.

I stared at the white gold and rubbed the tiny diamond that it held. My little reminder to stay strong. “ _... Hey... Pops… Know it’s been a few years since I tried praying, but… You’re still my Dad, right? I’m… I’m real lost right now, Pops. I don’t know what I’m doing here. I know you’re not gonna answer, but I need to talk to  _ _ someone _ _. Got no food, no cash, no place to lay me head.. Startin’ at rock bottom all over again, init? _ ”

I grit my teeth and blinked back the tears of anger and frustration as I clutched onto my mini life-ring, trying to keep my head above the flood while I waited to adapt; while I  _ forced _ myself to come to terms with it just like I had when I’d lost him. “ _ I don’t know if you’re still with me, or if you ever even left, but… Help me, fuckface. I need you now more than I ever have. _ ” I kissed the diamond and put the necklace back on, giving myself three deep breaths to get a grip. It had always worked when I’d needed it to. Still worked.

Talking it out had helped a little, so I kept my head on my shoulders and decided to take a detour on my route to the library. I palmed one of my cheap little throwing knives from my boot-sheathes and made my way back to Town Square since I’d seen the most people there. Plenty of marks were milling about going between shops and stalls, but I wasn’t necessarily interested in ‘shopping’. With plenty of coinpurses available I went around and plied my trade; Checking out who had the most to spare. Tax me, faggot; it’s all under the table. 

Scoping marks had never been easier since few people weren’t pulling coins out of their  _ hair _ , and yes, I mean that  _ seriously _ . That shit seriously happened  _ dozens  _ of times while I walked around the market. Of the people who were wearing actual coin purses, there seemed to be slim pickings for the most part. The best thing about the whole situation? I’d checked a jewelry store earlier while I was just ambling about, looking for possible vics and went back to it unaccosted. When I loitered around a little,I saw a couple with two coin purses fatter than your unfortunately hot, underage step-sister’s cameltoe. Why your step-mum lets her wear that stuff? I dunno, but stop looking  _ you creep _ . 

Anyway, I pulled a second knife from my other boot since I keep two in the left one and three in the right. My dirk stayed where it was in my left boot since it’s a last resort kind of deal, but I didn’t need it anyway. All of my knives were dutifully sharpened, just in case I needed one to cut a thing/person. As I walked straight in between the couple, they voiced some dissent and I called back, “Sorry! Wasn’t watching where I was going!”

I heard the snobby looking woman grumble as her husband (I assumed) told her to let it go since it wasn’t that big of a deal, but he _ just didn’t know _ . I ducked into another alley to count up my scratch, but little to my surprise I had a hard time reading the language on the coin. I’d thought it was odd that the Ponies spoke  _ English,  _ or rather, American English in the first place, but even their writing seemed to be like a bastardized form of the Latin Alphabet. I wouldn’t doubt that the coin either said ‘For Peace and Harmony’ or ‘Tor B æ ue K æ nog’; shit was that fucked up. The digits, however, were close enough to the Arabic ones so that was nice. I still didn’t know how much any of the coins were worth, what they were called, and I didn't really have many places to hide the purses. Being caught with stolen goods usually counted the same as stealing in the first place, so I stuffed them into the coat of my jacket and ended that particular stroll, preferring to just go for a walk afterwards.

Granted the aliens were still weirding me out a bit and I might’ve been on a  _ different planet,  _ I was feeling a little more confident. I was sure that I’d just robbed two of the richest people in the small town, so I probably had enough money to make life suck a little less. With that in mind, I went to the big tree in the middle of town, also known as the Golden Oak Library. I don’t know what kind of tree it actually was, but it  _ sure as fuck _ wasn’t an oak. The arborial bastard honestly looked a weird combination of a redwood and a sugar maple, but I’m not exactly and tree-hugger or anything. There was a lot of time in between jobs and I just happened to read a book about trees one day because I was bored and tend to have nerdy hobbies when I don’t have shit to do. I might’ve been drunk, might’ve been sober. Don’t judge me. 

Anyway, even if the tree wasn’t an oak, I still had to take my happy arse inside so I could do me some book learnin’ before the liburry closed. I didn’t think it was necessary to knock since it was supposed to be a  _ library _ , so I opened the door and jolted along with the purple horse-woman I’d almost hit. “ _ Oh shite! _ Sorry about that, love,” I said quickly, not even giving myself a chance to think thoughts about her.

I failed. While she was still being surprised and tried to catch her breath, I noticed that her outfit was suitably nerdy for working at a library. There was a part of me that thought it was sexy, another part that hated the sweater-vest, and another that wanted to pratfall because she was the first I’d seen to have a fuckin’  _ horn.  _ None of the other horses had horns and the few that had the extra additions just had wings. Apparently there were at least three different kinds of them, but I liked the one I was seeing. She had a ‘Derp and cheddar’ kind of thing going on, like she was just a goofy kinda gal.

While I was taking her in, she smiled and chuckled. “We’re lucky I wasn’t a litt-” Her eyes widened and she cringed away from me. “ _ Rain-! _ ” I noticed that her gaze seemed more expressive than a Human’s but she obviously wasn’t wearing makeup or anything of the sort. Chick just had puppy-eyes.. 

I was wondering why she was cowering from me maybe a second after shouting about rain before I got tackled from behind and landed on her. A lot of things went through my mind as I was shoved into her over and,  _ completely  _ by accident, got an eyeful of the light purple and pink-striped panties she was wearing under her bi-toned skirt. If I’d been a little less lucky (Or a little more. She was pretty damn cute), I would have gotten a faceful of her privates. Either way, I was pinned down beneath someone surprisingly heavy for being so damn small, and that surprisingly heavy person was trying to rabbit punch me like a fucking coward until someone pulled her off of me.

“ _ Rainbow Dash! _ If ya don’t get a hold of yourself, I’ll beat ya  _ black  _ and blue! Assaultin’ a buckin’  _ stranger _ for no reason!” A pissed off, Southern American woman barked harshly.

“That’s the guy I was telling you about!”  _ Oh you gotta be- _ “Look! You can see the grass stains on his coat!” ‘Rainbow’ replied like a little pissant.

I wasn’t happy. I was rather  _ un _ happy, which is why I drew two of my throwing knives and got some space between Rainbow and myself before throwing one of them at her with a vengeance. “Fuck  **_off!_ ** ”

“ **_Bu-_ ** ” Rainbow cried, clutching her bleeding right arm. “ _ What the  _ **_buck_ ** _!? _ ”

I drew my dirk and roared, “ _ Leave me  _ **_the fuck_ ** _ alone before I slit your  _ **_Goddamn throat!_ ** ”

Rainbow backed up and her orange friend put herself between us. “Whoa, did you just  _ draw blood _ over  _ some punches!?”  _ She asked incredulously.

“All that pumped up, _half-witted,_ absolutely _spastic_ _thing_ has fucking done since we’ve met is be a _Goddamn_ cunt! _She_ crashes into _me_ , gets _mad_ when I try asking what the _fuck_ you all are, and then chases me _into the damn town!_ I was leaving a fucking _forest with trees everywhere!_ What kind of _shit-brained_ _dumbarse_ flies at _ridiculous speeds_ in a place where there are dense, hard, _potentially_ _lethal_ obstacles everywhere!? May I _mention_ that _she followed_ _me to town_ _while trying to_ ** _fight me!?_** The cunt is fuck-ing psy **chotic!** ” I replied, making sure to get my feelings across properly.

The orange woman looked at Rainbow, then back at me, then back at Rainbow. “... You know I believe him, right? Every word”

Rainbow flushed. “Hey! That  _ asshole _ just threw a knife at me!” She barked like the bitch she was as she pulled it out.

“And you been tryin’ to pummel this guy all day, makin’ me look around town with you.” She said, her tone kind of reminiscent of a stereotypical pissed off Mum who was done dealing with bullshit. “I ain’t sayin’ he was right to draw a knife, but  _ you  _ started this. Ain’t no doubt about it.”

“A-Applejack!  _ Where’s your loyalty!? _ ” Rainbow cried.  _ Applejack? I wonder if she has some I can buy off of her. I got money now. _

“This ain’t about  _ loyalty _ . This is about you bein’  _ bullheaded _ and gettin’ yourself hurt by somepony,”  _ Do you not have other races here?  _ “scarier than you, so just get outta here and go to the hospital. I’ll catch up to give a  _ real lecture _ .  _ Trust me _ .” Applejack ended harshly. 

Cornflower Cunt-  _ Rainbow Dash _ , I should say. I know her name, after all. She puffed out her chest and tried to be tough. “You’re  _ not  _ my  _ Mom!” _

The cowgirl gave her a ball-shriveling look. “ _ Go _ _. _ ”

“Right,” Runtbow Dunce squeaked, flying off faster than the laws of physics should’ve allowed.

I gaped for a second. “... Holy  _ shite _ … D-Did she just fly so fast she left a  _ rainbow trail!? _ ”

Applejack gave me the same look Lucille had given me the last time I’d seen her, which is to say I was about to be in deep shit. “I’m gonna ask ya once and only once:  _ Why are you here? _ And  _ don’t  _ lie to me.”

I pointed at the ground numbly. “Uh… I’m here… I’m at the book-place specifically so I can... Learn?” She furrowed her brow. “ _ I wanna learn, I swear! _ ” Her look got odd. “Uh… I promise, I’m hear to study up on this place. I’m… I don’t think I’m  _ from  _ this world.”  _ Please don’t hurt me. I bruise easy and you look tough. Nice arse tho- No. Not even a brain-flirt.  _ _ Shut up _ _. _

The purple woman gasped and startled me since I’d forgotten that she was there too. “Wait, are you saying that you’re an extra-equuestrial!? An honest to goodness  _ alien!? _ ”

I turned so I wouldn’t have to move my entire body to look at both of them as I put my knives away. “... Uh, yeah, as far as I know. I’m either an extra-what-you-said or an extra-dimensional person. I might just be having one _Hell_ of a fever, acid trip, or different drug kind journey, though, so let’s not rule that one out.” _Please let me sober up… Oh wait, it’s been like, three hours. No happening_

Applejack clicked her tongue. “The first thing ya do on a  _ new planet _ is get in a fight? What kinda alien…?”

I gave her a look, mentally exhausted as I was. “I _tried_ letting that little shit wear herself out by just dodging around her, but _she wouldn’t let enough be enough_. I mean, like, is she that way _all_ _the time?_ Are you not some kinda centaurs?”

The orange mare gave me a certain look. It was one of mild vexation with a spoonful of irritation. “She’s prettyy much always that way and I’ve never heard of a centaur. What are they?”

“Horse-people, but with-”

“ _ Excuse you? _ ” She raised her brows and folded her arms.

“... Torso of a Human and body of a four-legged equine…”

“... What?”

“That’s what a horse-person is… Y’know.. Besides…” I pointed at her  _ hooves _ . “I mean, is horse a slur here or something?”

“Yeah. Whorse is a slur.”

“... Do you not have ponies or donkeys either or…?”

“I’m a Pony. Rainbow’s a Pony. Twilight’s a Pony. Ain’t  _ none of us  _ whorses.”

“... You spell whorse with a ‘W’, don’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“I just spell it with an ‘H’.”

“... The buck is a ‘Haitch?”

“... I can’t really pronounce the letter with your accent. I don’t know how to do it.”

“Is it the one that comes before ‘I’?”

“Yeah! Horses are just animals on my planet. They can’t talk, pull wagons, carry people. Livestock stuff.”

“Ah, ya almost got decked. I’d keep that one out of your mouth as long as you’re in Equestria.”

“I’m in Equestria,” I said blankly. “Thanks for the info.” 

The purple one still looked kinda offended. “So you just didn’t know what it meant?”

“Pretty much… That’s kinda like having ‘Pony’ itself be a slur to me.”

“That’s fascinating!” Nerdy-but-cutie proclaimed. 

As I looked for the knife I threw at Rainbow, I hoped that she’d been nice enough to pull it out and drop it. She wasn’t.  _ Bitch stole my- Wait, I threw it at her and it landed. I’m not that mad.  _ “Yeah, and I’m really lost right now. Would you mind if I did some studying?”

The cowpony gave me a look. “I promise we will, but for now I’m sorry about Rainbow Dash… However, why did you throw a _ knife _ at her when Applejack pulled her off of you? It was  _ effectively over! _ ”

I turned to her. “It might be a cultural difference, but do you guys- Er,  _ gals _ , have hill-topping here?”

The purple horse-person tilted her head. “It means building a garish house on a hill to flaunt wealth, right?”

I looked at the stubby, thirteen-centimeter (Give or take) horn on her head and wondered if it was made of bone. A large part of me wanted to touch it. A smaller part wanted to lick it. “Nah, I’ve never heard of that, per se. In the streets of my country, hill-topping is effectively shoving someone off of their high-horse with a show of force. If you’re nice like me, you fuck up the person who messed with you. If you’re a proper fuckhole-arsewipe, you lay out their family and cripple them for life.”

Her jaw dropped and she started backing away slowly, so I took a step away from her and raised my hands just before Applejack grabbed my arm. “You ain’t thinkin’ a’ goin’ after Rainbow’s family, are ya?”

“Thanks for calling me a fuckhole-arsewipe,” I replied blandly. “So what? I can’t  _ accidentally  _ insult, but you can call me whatever?” Applejack popped her knuckles on her spare hand and I realized where I was in the natural order as my arm felt like it was being  _ crushed _ . “... I’m letting it die here and now as long as she leaves me the fuck alone. Stop flexing on me. I didn’t want to deal with abrasive arse anyway.” I replied honestly, looking at her hand. “Mind taking that  _ off of me? _ I know you’re not trying to feel my muscles because they’re barely there.” 

She squeezed hard enough to make it hurt even more and I hissed through my teeth. Applejack let me go and I gave her a dirty look. “Hmm? What-”

“The  _ fuck was that for? _ Didn’t you  _ just say _ the shit was over?”

The cowgirl tilted her head at me, her brows furrowed. “I didn’t squeeze ya that hard, Sugarcube. Wouldn’t have done much more than bruise an apple.”

I rolled up my sleeve to see that yellow bruises were already forming where her fingers had been. “Yeah, those are bruises but I’m not a fuckin’ apple.”

Applejack gave me a confused look. “I know you’re tellin’ the truth, but that don’t any make sense...”

The purple one gasped again, but before she could speak, I asked, “Oi, are you Twilight Sparkle? Brilliant mind, little bit quiet, usually sweet?”

She blinked. “Oh. Yes, that’s me.”

I gave her a smile, rubbing my aching arm. “Just the gal I was looking for, then. Everyone I talked to in town said you were the one to come to for information on history and modern culture.”

“That’s right. Twilight’s the smartest  _ Pony _ in town, let alone the smartest mare between here and Gryphonia. And for the record, she’s not-” Applejack started.

“Yeah, yeah, you’re not horse-people, I get it.” I rolled my eyes. “Ponies, right?”

Twilight Sparkle blushed. “Yes, we  _ are  _ Ponies and… The modest side of me wants to deny what Applejack said, but my test scores don’t lie…”

I chuckled. “There's no problem in taking pride in your talents and all that. As long as you don’t start showboating or bragging without anyone asking, you’ll probably be fine.”

Twilight wasn’t quite sold. “W-Well, why don’t we do something that we could both benefit from?” She asked.

I held a hand to my chest and gasped. “Why I  _ never! _ To think you would be  _ so forward  _ with your  _ devious  _ intentions! You would ask a  _ stranger  _ for  _ mutual benefits!? _ ”

The librarian sputtered and choked before coughing up a lung while her ‘friend’ stifled giggles and tried to disguise them as coughs. “I-I-I was- wasn’t- I don’t-  _ I’ve never even done that sort of stuff before! _ ” The horned one protested.

Applejack gave up and lost her shit while I wore the straightest face I could conjure up. “All the more reason for you to try and  _ seduce me _ .”

Twilight turned cherry red and I  _ swear to God _ steam came out of her ears in little rings. “I…  _ Oh dear Celestia _ .” She promptly fainted and I raced to catch her, but when I got my arms around he, I had to planet my foot on the ground,  _ struggling  _ to hold her up. 

Keep in mind that Twilight wasn’t much taller than Rainbow and had a good deal less muscle mass that the other woman. “Holy  _ fuck! _ Why are you people  _ so damn heavy!? _ ”

Applejack came over and scooped her up casually. “Sugarcube, from what I done seen so far, ya might wanna stay on your average Pony’s good side. It’s lookin’ like you’re awful frail compared to us.”

I rubbed the back of my head, feeling the knots on my noggin. “Yeah, you’re tellin’ me. I think the only chance I really have is to stick and move since you guys don’t seem to do too well with maneuverability.” 

“I’d like ya  _ better _ iffin’ ya didn’t do it  _ at all _ .” Applejack sounded like a big sister again as she carried Twilight further into the Treebrary.

I scratched my head in the smallish lobby-like area before picking my jacket up off of the ground and following her lead. I’d left it on the floor after the fall since I’d only stashed one of the coin purses in a location that I’m not going to write down. After grabbing my shit, I followed Applejack and saw her trying to rouse Twilight from her ‘slumber’. She tried patting her cheek, tickling her, and playing with her nose, but Twilight was dead to rights. I came over and watched Applejack try a few more things before she put on her thinking cap and brainstormed away. Meanwhile, with me being an arse for a second, gave her two wet willies at the same time and she bolted awake

“Gah! Why are my ears wet!?” Twilight cried, pawing at them.

I frowned so I wouldn’t smile and Applejack gave me a dirty look. “It was Alien-boy. I don’t know where he got the water from, but I’m  _ sure  _ he won’t do it again.”

I cracked a shit-eating grin. “Not for the next few days, no.”

Applebottom’s look turned into a deadpan one. “I’ll give ya a pass this one time, but you should know that touchin’ a Pony’s ear is like grabbin’ a mare’s boob.”

“Wait, are you telling me I could've copped-” Applejack gave me a womanly look. Like, I’m pretty sure that look had ovaries... “ _ Copped out at any time? _ Thanks for the heads up.”

“Is that really what you were gonna say?” Applejack asked, completely unamused.

Twilight blushed as I said, “No, but why make trouble? I saw the look you gave me. It wasn’t worth pissing you off and getting hurt over a _ joke _ .” I scoffed. “I might be foolhardy, but I’m not  _ an actual idiot. _ ”

The cowgirl nodded. “Ya might be a touch dangerous, but I get a decent feelin’ from ya. Might be a bit of a deviant with some of that language ya use, but ya don’t seem like a bad sort.”

Twilight huffed. “That’s easy for you to say! He most likely used saliva to wet his fingers!” She shivered and tried to clean her ears out some more.

I tried to keep a straight face while Applejack was glaring at me. “That’s just  _ nasty. _ ”

“Ever give a blowjob?” I asked, trying not to giggle my arse off.

Applejack coloured. “That ain’t none a’ your business!”

“It’s considerably nastier than putting wet fingers in someone’s ears. Hell, kissing is even worse! You’re getting  _ someone else’s spit _ in  _ your mouth! _ ”  _ Please take the bait. It’s well laid. _

Twilight turned a bit green. “That does make sense in a certain way…”  _ Score! _

Applejack glanced at her and gave me another look. “Why do ya gotta make things awkward?”

“I’m not from this  _ country _ , let alone this  _ planet _ , love. It’s not like I’m being extra weird or anything. It’s just how I react to being kidnapped from my home, being surrounded by crazy coloured horse-people, and-”

“ _ Colt. _ ” Cowpony’s voice went flat, giving me a fucked up look.

I gave her a questioning one. “Crazy-coloured  _ Ponies _ . I meant  _ Ponies. _ ”

Twilight cleared her throat. “Applejack, he’s still unused to that word being a slur… Um… What’s your name, Mister... Alien?”

“Maximus, but most people call me Max if they want me to like them,” I replied easily.

Applejack narrowed her eyes at me. “That  _ ain’t true _ . That’s a flat out _ lie _ .”

I tilted my head at her again. “It’s a pseudonym or a moniker. A nickname, basically. A lot of Humans go by nicknames or pseudonyms. Sometimes it takes us years to learn someone else’s real name, and depending on when you cop a second name you might never hear your real name until you tell it to someone. I don’t like any of my names and I try not to ue them as often as possible because I hate what they’re associated with.”  _ All true, bitch. A fucktonne of authors and artists have pseudonyms, and it might take you years to meet up with someone you found online. Plus, I really do hate Ignatius and Kaid as names. Fuck you. _

“Ah. I guess that makes sense. So what’s your  _ real _ name? Or at least  _ one _ of them.” The Stetson-wearing, especially sexy one asked. I didn’t even really care for her accent, she just rubbed me the right way. Except for the arm thing.

“If I wanted you to know, I would’ve told you instead of giving you my favourite nickname,” I replied softly. “There’s no reason to call me anything else unless you-”

“I ain’t callin’ ya by a fake name.” She huffed. 

I steepled my fingers and narrowed my eyes at her. “What gives a name  _ credence _ , Applejack? What gives it  _ power? _ It’s not the letters themselves that make up the word; it’s just a  _ random noise _ that you use to get someone’s attention. People have the same names where I’m from. I know multiple Johns, Tims, and Erics of various spelling so what does a name  _ really mean? _ It’s the person who responds to the name that gives it any legitimacy. I don’t really care if you don’t want to call me Max because you can just give me  _ another name  _ to add to my collection. I  _ like _ personalized nicknames, and I’m  _ alive _ because of pseudonyms. If you don’t want to call me by the one  _ I’m giving you _ , then you’re welcome to come up with your own. I don’t mind as long as it’s not an insult to my intelligence.”

I got stared at by both of them. Twilight opened her mouth and said, “That… Applejack. You just got intellectually  _ owned… _

The orange one got a ruddy tint to her cheeks that I found cute. Call me a sucker, call me whatever; I was hoping to get some shag in the future, and I’m not talking about carpet. “So what? If I suddenly ask a to start callin’ me...  _ Sour Apple _ or somethin’, you’d do it?”

“If that’s what you want to be called, then yes. It’s not that weird, Applebottom, you’re just overthinking it.”

“Applebot-” She blushed harder and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Does that mean what I think it does?”

“... It’s a song reference?”  _ Which it is. _

“Oh. Sorry, I guess.”

Twilight cleared her throat, looking between us. “... A lot of Equestrian authors don’t use their real names when they write, so it’s kind of like your planet is full of ponies that feel the same way in their day-to-day lives. Are there any occasions when you have to use your real name?”

“Yeah. Traveling to other countries, legal documentation, birth certificates; stuff like that.” I replied, putting a foot into the grave.

Twilight Sparkles eyes lit up and gleamed strangely, and I do mean there was a literal light in her eyes. It was as freaky and anime as the steam thing. It was evidently enough to convince Applejack to leave. “Alright, I’m out. I’ll see ya later, Twi. Keep outta trouble, Max.”

Twilight waved her off and I gave her a dirty look. “Go away, Blondie.”

“Are ya callin’ me Blondie because my mane looks like a blondie?”

“Wait, you mean the not-brownie?”

“Yeah.” 

“No, it’s because your hair is blonde.” I replied.

“... I don’t got hair, Human. I don’t think I know what that is.”

I twirled one of my own overgrown locks. “I have hair on my head. I’m guessing you guys have fur on your heads instead of hair?”

Twilight nodded. “That’s true, but we’re also covered in fur. Aren’t you?”

I chuckled at that and looked at my meager, barely existent arm-hair. “Nah, not quite. Humans dropped our fur hundreds of thousands of years ago.”

Twilight’s jaw dropped. “Y-You mean that your people have been around since the  _ beginning of time!? _ ”

I couldn’t understand how she’d jumped to that conclusion. I really couldn’t. “...  _ No…  _ Just…  _ No. _ There were prehistoric animals long before mankind ruled the planet, and before that there was primordial ooze. Keep in mind that Earth, my planet, is  _ billions  _ of years old. Humans are barely a second on the clock as far as we could tell.”

“ _ Cheese on a cracker and bread for a bagel _ ; I’ll be darned,” Applejack murmured.

Twilight gaped. “... Your world’s mages found a way to  _ accurately date  _ your planet?”

“... Bitch, did- did you just say  _ ‘mages’? _ ” I asked, my voice a little higher than it should have been.

Applejack raised her chin. “What does that-”

The librarian paled and spoke over her friend. “You- You do have mages,  _ right? _ ”

“... Love,  _ Magic ain’t real. _ Not on Earth,” I said extra slowly.

“...  _ Your planet operates without magic? _ ” Twilight breathed.

“Your planet  _ has magic? _ ” I replied just as breathlessly.

“... Yeah, no, I’m gonna go before the alien spews  _ goo  _ everywhere. Twilight, don’t grill 

him too hard. Human,  _ don’t mess with Twilight _ .” Applejack gave me a stern look.

I raised a brow at her. “Oh, I’m gonna mess with her. Lavender is definitely Twilight’s colour.”

Applejack and Twilight examined her dark red and mauve skirt, her periwinkle/light blue sweater-vest, and her off-white blouse. “Uh, Sugarcube? Twilight ain’t wearin’ purple.”

I just laughed when Twilight gripped the hem of her skirt, blushing furiously. “Oh, Twilight and I both know that  _ she is _ .”

The cowgirl gave me a funny look before it hit her. “Alright,  _ pervert- _ ”

“Oi! _ It was Rainbow Dash’s fault!  _ When she plowed into me, I knocked Twilight over and there was an event that I can’t say I regret besides getting punched in the back of the head.”

Applejack gave me a dirty look. “Keep your eyes above the collar and your thoughts to yourself, will ya?”

“What fun would that be?” I scoffed.

“It’ll be more fun than me kickin’ your can all over town for messin’ with one a’ the nicest 

ponies you’ll ever meet.” She replied, her tone dipping.

I shot her a glare of my own. “It’s not like I’m doing it to make anyone feel bad, so get off my back. If I start outright insulting people or spreading embarrassing secrets, then yeah, you got some kinda point. Until then, you’re just threatening an alien with no ill will of his own.”

Her gaze softened. “Fair enough, I guess. I still want ya ta tone it down for Twilight. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.”

I looked at Applejack, then at Twilight who was giving me a pensive look. “Oi, Twilight. I’ll lay off for a little while, but if I slip up just let me know and I’ll try to rein it in.”

The librarian gave me a small smile. “I’d appreciate that. It’s embarrassing to have a stranger see…  _ That sort of thing _ …”  _ At least it was good for me. Neither of you can read minds… Right? _

__ “I understand, and I’ll probably play Eraser later anyway to forget how  _ weird  _ today’s been…” I scratched my head while I got a weird look. Applejack was already leaving after having heard my answer, so I was stuck with the horned one. “... So do you wanna answer a few questions; go back and forth for a little while?” I asked.

“Well, I wouldn’t mind answering your questions first, though I do have to ask how long you’ve been here.” Twilight said as Applejack closed the front door.

“Uh… Earlier today, I guess. I got out of some jungle-forest with some help from this super big,  _ super gay _ river-serpent named Steven Magnet. The guy’s actually pretty cool, which reminds me that I have to go find someone named Rarity and give her this gold crown thing. Stephen sent me off with it as a pay-back for the ride to the edge of the forest so I kinda gotta give it to the lady. I’d find a buyer for it myself and keep the profit, but that’s not how you treat someone who shows you kindness, yeah?”

Twilight gave me an odd look. “Did… Did you really consider stealing  _ someone’s gift _ for your  _ own gain? _ ”

I gave her a look. “Oi, don’t pretend like you wouldn’t give it  _ a little _ thought. I mean, the crown isn’t the purest gold that’s passed through my hands, but I’m pretty sure that gold is worth something wherever you go.”

“... Max, I can  _ honestly _ say that stealing someone’s gift… It wouldn’t cross my mind unless it was an ancient, unheard of tome, and even then I’d rather ask to have a turn with it than take it for myself.”

I rolled my eyes. “Okay, so you’re morally sound and I’m a little sketchy. I fully intend on holding up my end of the bargain so don't worry about that, okay?”

“... Why don’t you go grab that crown and I’ll have Rarity come over to pick it up?” Twilight said uneasily.

I folded my arms and gave her an amused smile. “Why don’t you just tell me were to find her so I can give it to her without her having to make the trip? I know it’s  _ her  _ present, but I’m the courier. That’s like having to go to the post office to get your mail.”

She still seemed a little anxious. “Promise you won’t keep it?”

I gave her a look. “How old are you again?”

“You’re not really supposed to ask a mare her age.” Twilight frowned.

“I’m not?” I asked, feigning surprise.

“Most ponies can tell just by looking anyway.”

“That’s weird. Sure, you can get a rough estimate with humans, but it’s not like we know the exact number.”

“I guess it might be a magical thing then. You’re twenty, right?” Twilight asked.

“... Yeah, that’s weird,” I said, nodding.

“If it makes you feel any better, I’m not that much older than you,” She offered.

“You’re older than me? I could’ve sworn that you were a year or two younger than me, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that the colorful hor-  _ Ponies _ . Ponies show their age differently.” I grimaced.

Twilight gave me a low-power glare. I think she might have been trying to make me feel bad. “You really need to clean up your language, but it’s good that you’re trying.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yes mummy, I’ll swear less. Or some shit like that.”

“You’re being kind of rude.” Twilight’s irritation laced her voice.

“Twilight, the last person I had to answer to  _ killed people _ for stepping onto the wrong street at the wrong time. I don’t  _ like  _ being told what to do, so I tend to listen when my life is in danger. Or if good advice is tossed my way. Don’t microwave eggs in the shells, by the way.”

“... Max, what even  _ was  _ your world?” She seemed scared of me, and it wasn’t because of exploding poultry products. “You… You just talked about working for someone who  _ kills ponies! _ ”

I gave Twilight a ‘Bitch please’ kinda look. “Twilight, it’s not like I had much of a choice. When Savage Sagiano calls, you answer or you don’t get a second chance to ignore him. I’ve never killed anyone myself, but I’ve been present for a few of his ‘examples’, and that was enough to keep me under his thumb.” I shook my head, the memories of the Pint n’ Pounds still ripe in my mind, despite those particular crimes happening five years ago. It was less of a ‘pound’ and more of a ‘ten quid’ kinda deal. Lot of blood was spilled, many lessons were learned. Like that I don’t want to get fucked up.

“... O _ kay. _ ” Twilight rubbed her temples. “... So what did you do that made you useful to a terrible pony like that?”

“I’m good at getting stuff that I have no business getting. That’s all I’m going to say on that.”

“Okay, but you’re  _ not  _ a  _ murderer? _ ”

“No, I don’t really have the heart to kill someone in cold-blood. Sure, if someone pushes me for months and months, then it’s a different story. I’ve never technically killed anyone.” 

Twilight paled. “T- _ Technically _ ?”

“Well, I let someone die, but they were knocking on their own gravestone because of their own choices. The junkie just wanted to stay high, no matter what it was doing to their body.” I held back a sigh and shook my head. Bad times, bad people, bad mother. None worth remembering. “... They killed  _ themselves _ . I just didn’t feel obligated to stop them.”

“... You’re… You’re a  _ monster. _ ” Twilight murmured.

“Twilight, that person let… Well,  _ all  _ of those people basically  _ tortured me.  _ Embers and cherries from stogies put out on my skin, getting beaten when I didn’t get something fast enough, not…  _ Servicing,  _ well enough… Hell, those people did things to me I’ll probably never talk about, and I was  _ eleven.  _ It’s not worth your day to worry about dead people anyway.”  _ And Babs was the worst one of the bunch. Shot me up once or twice to make me stop crying. Learned to hold it in after the first round of narcan. _

She covered her mouth and stared at me, her eyes watering. “Dear Celestia… I… Max, you either _ beat a truth spell  _ or you’re one of the _ strongest ponies I’ve ever met. _ ”

I glared at her. “... It’s in the past. Get over it. I did.”

“That’s not true,” she said softly, her horn glowing weakly.

“Are you seriously using magic right now? How does that work?” My interest in magic heavily outweighed my interest in my past.  _ Holy hell, that’s pretty cool. Could be useful if I can learn it.  _ “How do I-”

“Max, I don’t know anything about Humans, but…  _ Normal ponies  _ don’t just go through something like that and come out  _ okay _ . I think-”

“ _ I think  _ you should keep what I just told you to yourself and your opinions on the matter in the same space. Like I said; the past is the past. The present matters more than anything else.” I interrupted.

“... If that’s what you want, then I’ll… I’ll keep it to myself… Are you  _ sure  _ you don’t want to talk about it?”

“I’m rather certain I’d rather be focusing on the here and now than be haunted by my past, yes.” I said dryly. “Are all you Ponies this friendly and compassionate?”

Twilight gave me a small smile that seemed to be tinged with something akin to pride, though I think it was admiration. “Well, we largely are but…” She shook her head. “I guess moving forward is the best way to deal with it. I may not think that you’re the nicest pony, but you  _ are  _ tough.” 

I might have blushed a bit, but I don’t know why. “Whatever, Purps. Can we just start the cultural exchange?”

“Purps?”

“Purps. Purples. Your coat is purple, your hair is purple, and your eyes are purple. Purps.” I explained.

“That’s actually kind of obvious now that I think about it,” She muttered.

“Isn’t it though? The best nicknames often are.”

Twilight agreed with me on that one, but she still insisted that I go and retrieve Rarity’s crown from where I’d left it,so I did just that and we got started on learning as much as we could about each other’s planet. First things first; I don’t have magic. That  _ sucks.  _ The  _ fuck  _ is the point of being on a planet with magic if I  _ can’t even use it!?  _ Anyway, since I already know all the shit about Earth, I’ll go ahead and say that Twilight was a veritable _ lake _ of information. Everything from high magic to basic levitation spells, not-that-ancient history to modern day, and pretty much every little cultural celebration that the Ponies had; the little nerd was sure to fill me in on the broad details. I forgot  _ a lot,  _ and she wasn’t  _ anywhere  _ close to being done. Twilight made sure to mind flood me as hard as possible, breaking down dams on either side of a town in a valley, drowning the populace (My brain cells) with information that could have been vital. Or most of it was pointless. 

Either way, I learned a lot and retained a bit when we finished. It was around sunset and Twilight asked me if I had a place to stay since I’d just come into town. I’d told her no since it was the truth, thinking that she was going to point me to an inn or something. The  _ crazy woman _ offered to let me  _ stay in one of her guest rooms.  _ The crazy part? The part that made her  _ insane?  _ There wasn’t an end date. She seemed happy enough to have me in her house, which… Well, even then I planned on leaving when I could find a steady job and start making my own money. The thing that bothered me was the sheer amount of trust she was putting in an  _ Alien stranger. _

Don't get me wrong. I try to be a decent guy outside of my job. Yeah, I go diving and steal shit, but I don’t fuck people over who show me kindness and the woman was doing me one  _ helluva  _ favor… I mean… Who  _ does that? _ Twilight Sparkle apparently… Anyway, when the sun was about to fall below the horizon and the moon was on the rise, Twilight’s little brother, a Dragon named Spike, came home from running some errands for his big sister. Yes, there was a Dragon. Yes, it was  _ a.  _ _ Dragon _ . No, he was no scary in the  _ slightest.  _

He seemed like a good kid from what I could tell, but I was mostly shocked by the fact that there was a fucking **_Dragon_** within roasting distance and he wasn’t doing anything... _Dragony_. The short little guy actually put on the most feminine apron I’d ever seen and started cooking dinner after we introduced ourselves. He didn’t really have much to say to me, but it’s not like the guy was rude about it. Kid probably just had a long day and wanted to eat and go to bed so I helped him out with food prep, but there wasn’t much for me to do. When the three of us sat down for dinner, I surveyed my plate and ate the boiled spinach. That was it. That was the only thing on the plate that I could eat. The rest of it was flowers and raw hay, which were not things the Human stomach likes to ingest.

Twilight noticed that I stopped eating after getting the spinach off my plate and asked, “Is something wrong, Max?”

“Humans can’t really eat...  _ flowers or hay... _ ” I chuckled awkwardly.  _ How the fuck is the Dragon not eating her alive? Or me. I’d probably be- Nah, don’t think about that. _ “The spinach was good, though. Could’ve used some salt, but it was tasty.”

Twilight eyes widened. “... You’re a  _ salt addict? _ ”

I furrowed my brow and gave her a questioning look. “ _ What? _ How do you get  _ addicted _ to  _ salt?” _

“That might be a story for another time, but… Salt doesn’t affect you? At all?” She asked.

“It tastes good if you don’t use too much, that’s about it. A high sodium diet will mess with your kidneys, but that’s only if you go overboard every meal,” I explained.

“That’s so interesting! So what plants can you eat?”

“If the food is made of the same stuff as it is on Earth, then I can eat a lot of fruits, veggies, berries, and legumes, but I’m probably gonna need to find a place that sells meat. I don’t imagine that you guys have dietary supplements since you’re evidently herbivores anyway.”

Twilight stared at me for a long moment. “... You eat  _ other creatures? _ ”

“That’s what  _ omnivores  _ tend to do,” I said slowly. “What? You don’t think I’m just going to up and try to  _ bite you or something, _ do you?”

“Ah-ha-ha. Ah-ha. Haaa…” Twilight made those noises. “W-Well…”

“... Wow, that’s… That’s  _ kinda fucked up _ , Twilight. And rather  _ racist.. _ .” I added, staring at her.

She coloured and rubbed her cheek, looking away. “W-Well… I… You have to  _ kill  _ something to eat it, Max...”

“Yeah... If a human eats raw meat, they’ll probably  _ die. _ ”

That piqued her interest. “Wait, how do you hunt for food?”

I shook my head. “Humans didn’t really have to hunt if they didn’t want to when I left Earth. At least, not in most places.”

“... I’m lost.” Spike said. “I mean, I used to eat fish all the time, so what’s the big idea?”

“That’s different,” Twilight said quickly.

“How?” Spike and I asked in unison with polar levels of irritation.

“It-It just is, okay?” Twilight said, discomfort on her face.

I looked at Spike. “Why’d you stop eating fish, anyway? Aren’t Dragon purely carnivores?”

“I dunno. I’ve never met another one and finding books about Dragons is hard because they tend to keep their secrets  _ really  _ secret.” Spike sighed.

I gave him a lopsided grin. “Oi, we’ll find another Dragon to tell you about Dragon stuff sometime, yeah? It never hurts to know your roots.”  _ And if you like me you won’t eat me. Wait, you wouldn’t eat me now… Kinda lame, bruv. _

“Spike was hatched in Canterlot. His roots are Equestrian.” Twilight said, steel entering her voice for the first time since I’d met her.

I gave her a look but acquiesced nonetheless. “Whatever you say, Purps.” I winked at Spike and he turned his frown into a hopeful smile.

That was about it for dinner since we were finishing up anyway, and with that out of the way, Twilight welcomed me to read a stack of books she’d collected on Equestrian laws and traditions, all of which were so full of pusillanimous blurbs of sissy bullshit, I was confident that I could take most of the country over by being  _ kinda  _ mean. If I didn’t get fucked up for being squishy, of course. I’d probably get stopped before I got too far one way or the other, but Pony Philosophy books…  _ Stupid. _ Point-Blank. My studies took me a fair bit into the night, but I’ve always been an owl of sorts. Right now, I’m just chronicling what I remember in the blank book Twilight gave me for the sake of keeping a record of my experiences, and I’ve gotta say that I’m kinda digging it. It’s a fun little pastime that keeps my hands from aching and catches my attention more so than the opportunity for a solo stroll. Eh. Anyway, I’ll end this one here and try to get some sleep. Day one is done. 

Now I just need to figure out how the  _ fuck  _ I got here… 

Well… Realistically… I probably  _died_ from … Wouldn’t surprise me... Shit, maybe if everyone else is as nice as Twilight it might just be better to stay here... 


End file.
